


You Are Enough

by hallelujah_4_5SOS



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Romance, Cute, Cutting, F/M, Falling In Love, My First Fanfic, Panic Attacks, Sad with a Happy Ending, Social Anxiety, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 09:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2807486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallelujah_4_5SOS/pseuds/hallelujah_4_5SOS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beth Aaron has social anxiety that she has to live with. She handles it by cutting herself and mentally bringing herself down. When she meets a boy that is going to be living with her brother's best friend, Ashton, she starts to feel like she isn't good enough for him. The boy, Luke, thinks she is perfect. Can he help her see through her anxiety, help her stop hurting herself, and make her feel like she is enough? I don't know, man! Read it and find out!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The rain was falling heavily outside leaving several puddles on the ground. I slowly traced the trails that the rain made as it slid from the top to the bottom of my window. The window felt cold under my hand and the heat from my hand, like sound waves, reverberated to the window and back to my hand making steam appear on the window. I drew an X through the steam and then rested my arm on the window sill. I slowly exhaled, leaned back against my wall, and listened to the sound the rain made on the roof. The thunder rumbled louder, louder, and louder until it made my thoughts blurry. I threw my hands up to my head and squeezed trying to get the loud sounds out. My heart thumped faster and faster and mixed with the sound of the thunder. All I could hear was noise so I closed my eyes and curled up into a ball. I stayed in that position for what seemed like hours.  
When I opened my eyes I looked around at my surroundings. The tile floor in which I was sitting, the wooden cabinets, a closet filled with towels, a shower, and of course a toilet. Then I remembered, I was in my bathroom. My eyes felt droopy and I could hardly keep them open. I blinked and sat up from my fetal position. The fan above me was humming softly, but it seemed to be screaming at me. I slowly stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror.  
‘Yeesh,’ I thought, ‘I look horrible.’  
The little mascara I had on was smeared and was running down my face. The whites of my eyes were red and made the green in my eyes clearly visible. My chestnut brown hair was sticking to my tear stained eyes and cheeks. I quickly brushed the hair away from my face and brushed it back into a pony tail with my fingers. Grabbing the wash cloth on the sink I cleaned up my face and washed off all the mascara.  
“I don’t like mascara anyway.” I whispered softly. Taking one last look at myself, I nodded and walked out the door.  
Hearing all the people downstairs I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go down there. I could feel my eyes getting misty again and my heart thumping faster. My stomach kept dropping lower and lower.  
‘Beth, you HAVE to go down there. What’s so bad about socializing with a bunch of your brother’s teammates? I mean, come on, they’re not going to kill you… I don’t thin- NO, NO, NO, what are you? Stupid? That’s what you sound like right now. You’re an idiot. Just an idiot. Walk down the freaking stairs, you idiot.’  
I dug my nails into my arm for being so stupid. They dug deeper and deeper until where they were causing pain was numb.  
Every step felt louder than it should have been and I mentally punished myself for not being more silent. When finally I was on the last step I looked into the living room. All of Carter’s teammates were huddled around the t.v. watching soccer and a couple of them glanced back at me then turned back to the game. I could literally hear my heart thumping and was terrified that they could all hear it too. Carter’s best friend, Ashton, looked back at me and smiled.  
“Hey, Beth, what’s up?”  
‘Oh, God. There goes my heart again.’ I thought.  
“H-hey, Ash.” I smiled at him then quickly walked into the kitchen where they could no longer see me.  
‘Dear, Lord. Why was that so scary? Just breathe, Beth, breathe.’  
I leaned against the door to the kitchen closed my eyes. If you don’t get why I have to tell myself to breathe already, I will explain why: A couple years ago when I was in 7th grade I realized that I had developed a crush on a boy I knew named Sam. He was perfect to me in every single way with his black curly hair, dark skin, and dark brown eyes. Being the shy girl I am, I never ever wanted to talk to him, you know, just in case I ruined any chance I had with him. All throughout 7th grade I waited and silently watched him and all his glorious flawlessness. The same went for 8th grade. And then the very last month of school he started to date a girl named Emma. She was amazingly perfect with her long dark hair, funny and outgoing personality, and she was beautifully thin. I didn’t even compare. I wasn’t as funny as she was, as outgoing, or as thin. I have always been curvy and genuinely shy. This is what hit me the hardest. I thought that I HAD to be thin and beautiful like her. So I started to skip breakfast, but I soon quite that much to my displeasure because my stomach would start to rumble in class and I would become increasingly embarrassed. I would go to the bathroom terrified by all the people who would look at me because I thought they were judging me and my flaws. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself that they were just looking at me because, duh, I was in their freaking line of vision, I would ignore myself. It would be like this every day.  
That is how my anxiety slowly started. Soon enough I wouldn’t talk to people because I would shake so badly I was afraid they would notice and I would sweat buckets.  
Then came the depression. I thought something was wrong with me because who on earth would shake when talking to someone? No one. I was alone and a freak. When mom and dad would go to bed I would sneak downstairs and grab the knife from the kitchen drawer. After making sure no one was there or looking, I would cut myself. Sometimes just one time, sometimes more depending upon how much I hated myself that day. Most days I would just sit in my room and play my guitar or just look out the window. I didn’t cry much because of how numb I was to the world around me. Nothing mattered to me at all except other people’s feelings. I didn’t want to hurt anyone like I hurt myself so I never said a bad word about anyone. The only place I could cry was my bathroom because the old fan on the ceiling would hum and dampen my cries. Kind of weird to think that my safe haven was in my own bathroom, but I guess it was…  
I keep saying “was” a lot, when I should be saying “is.” I like to talk about this stuff like it’s in the past when it still is recurring. I still hate myself, I still hurt myself, I still have anxiety and depression, and I still have panic attacks. Oh, I didn’t say anything about that. I tend to go to my ‘Happy Place’ when I have one which is in my room looking out the window when it’s raining. Rain calms me down and helps me realize even the whole world gets sad sometimes. Kind of stupid, I know, but true…  
After I finished making a sandwich for lunch, I walked out of the kitchen and sat far away from all the boys in the living room. I sat there with my sandwich sitting on a paper plate in my lap. I was kind of over-thinking why I brought my food out here in the first place, I mean, I wasn’t going to eat it in front of people. So I set it down on the coffee table next to me.  
Carter looked over at me and stared at me for what seemed like 5 minutes. I wiggled in my seat uncomfortably and looked back at him. I furrowed my eyebrows.  
“What?” I whispered only loud enough for him to hear over the sound of the t.v. and his friends’ chants.  
“Are you alright?” He asked, looking somewhat worried.  
“I think so… Why?”  
He gestured me to follow him to the kitchen as he stood up from the couch. I shook my head at him, but he grabbed my arm forcing me from my seat. Ashton watched as he did this and stood up to follow us. When we made it to the kitchen, Ashton shut the door behind us and leaned against it. Carter sat me down at the kitchen table then sat in front of me.  
“What’s wrong?” He asked me.  
“Why would something be wrong?” I looked down at the ground and fidgeted with my hands. I could feel my hands becoming sweatier.  
“Because you were crying. Beth, your eyes are red and I’m not stupid.”  
Ashton came and sat down at the table with us and spoke quietly to my brother.  
“Don’t put her on the spot like that, Carter. You know how it makes her feel.”  
Ashton, being my brother’s best friend knew pretty much everything about me and my life including my panic attacks and depression. He practically lived at this house when he and Carter weren’t at college. Considering the college was only, like, 30 minutes away, he was here a lot. He moved here from Australia about 5 years ago and met my brother at school. They immediately hit it off because they both play the drums and have the same sense of humor.  
Carter exhaled slowly and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened his eyes he looked at me and smiled a little. His face was impassive and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Then he started to chuckle a bit.  
“Are you crying because Conner told you to piss off when you sat next to him? You know he was just joking, right? You can’t be so sensitive around my friends, Beth. They are going to treat you like that because you are my stereotypical “annoying little sister.” You don’t need to cry about things like that.”  
My heart dropped and I felt a lump in my throat. I glared at Carter.  
“Is that supposed to make me feel better or something?” I mumbled softly as I looked anywhere but at him.  
He put his hand on my shoulder. “Look, you’re not going to get any better if you just keep crying about everything. Just don’t take every little thing to heart, alright? Now, I’m going to go back out there and finish watching the game. Mom and dad should be home any minute from the store so you can talk to them about it.” He turned to leave and looked at Ashton still sitting at the table.  
“Are you coming?”  
“I’ll be there in a minute.” Ashton answered turning from my brother to me.  
He was silent for a while. I tried not to look at him, but it was difficult considering he was staring at my wrist. I wanted to know what he was doing, but I didn’t want to necessarily ask him. Maybe he was looking at my bracelets that I wore all the time. I had about seven of them all on my right wrist. Each of the leather bracelets had an important significance to me. Ash stood up and as he did my heart thumped at an abnormal rate in my chest. All of my bracelets hid my scars from cutting and I was sure I hid them well. What had he seen? Just as I was about to say something, he spoke.  
“Don’t listen to Carter, Beth. He doesn’t get it.” He paused for a moment as he grabbed a marker out of the drawer and sat back down in front of me. He grabbed my wrist and pulled my bracelets up. My heart was now on the brink of exploding because now I could see all my scars. Wow… There were a lot… Ashton didn’t say anything, though, he just started to draw on my wrist. I felt a little bit awkward considering he hadn’t said anything about my scars and considering he was randomly drawing on my wrist in marker. Also, not going to lie, Ash was a pretty good looking guy with his curly hair and hazel brownish green eyes. Not to mention he had the perfect amount of muscle on him. Just thinking about how good looking he was made me nervous and I hoped and prayed that he couldn’t see the sweat stains under my arms I had accumulated ever since Carter sat me down. Dear Lord, my mouth was dry. Water. I needed water. I suddenly could hear my breathing and became self-conscious about it.  
“There, done!” He exclaimed with a smile on his face.  
“What did you draw?” I quietly asked him with a small smile on my face.  
He softly turned my arm around so I could see. My smile grew larger as I saw what he had drawn. It was a butterfly and underneath it he had written: Smile!  
“I have to get back out there or the guys will throw a fit, but just know that if you ever need anyone to talk to you know where to find me.” He told me sincerely. I nodded and smiled at him.

  
“Thank you.”  
He arranged my bracelets so that they covered the scars again and then went back into the living room. I let all the air that I had been holding inside my lungs out.  
‘Well, that was extremely awkward and flattering at the same time.’ I thought to myself.


	2. Chapter 2- I Have Really Done It This Time

I woke up to the sound of Kili, my Siberian husky dog, running up and down the stairs chasing after his ball. Every time he would trample down the stairs I would hear Ashton’s very distinct laugh. I kind of understand why Ash was laughing, I mean, Kili wouldn’t exactly run down the stairs normally, no, he would bolt down those stairs like he was a freaking horse. Most of the time it would get him down the stairs by flipping and rolling rather than on foot.   
I slowly sat up and looked out the window. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I grumbled to myself as I stood up and walked to my bedroom door. As soon as I opened it Carter threw Kili’s ball up the stairs and it hit me right in the chest. Before I had a chance to prepare myself, Kili pounced on me and knocked me down on the ground. He then promptly licked my face, grabbed his ball, and trampled down the stairs. I laid on the ground hugging my chest and groaning.  
“Beth,” Carter laughed from downstairs, “A-are you okay?”  
“No, you butthole!” I yelled as I got up, ran down the stairs, and pushed him against the back of the couch. He continued to laugh as I attempted to kick him and slap him, but he would just block all of my hits.   
“Beth! Carter!” I heard my dad yell from the kitchen, “Stop screaming! You’re riling Kili up!”  
We both continued to fight until I got tired and sat on the ground.  
“You’re annoying.” I said.  
“You’re annoying.” Carter shot back.  
“You both are annoying.” Ashton said as he laughed.   
“Ashto-, “ My eyes widened, “ASHTON?!” I turned at looked at a very confused Ashton.  
“Wha-“ Before he could finish what he was about to say I bolted up the stairs hugging my chest and ran into the bathroom.  
‘Oh, God, I’m not wearing a freaking bra!’ I thought. I went on a rampage looking for a bra in my dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. I threw all my clothes to the side until finally I found a bra. It was a sports bra and was extremely tight, but I preferred it be extremely tight and hurt my chest just a little instead of wearing one that fit. I wouldn’t be able to stand it because of how self-conscious I would become immediately after I looked in the mirror. I decided to take a quick shower before breakfast so I quickly undressed and got in the shower.   
When I got out and got changed I looked in the mirror. My grey loose t-shirt hugged my curves enough to make me cringe. I immediately grabbed onto my hips and pulled the skin inward making it seem like I was thinner. After deciding I liked that better than my actual hips, I made a mental note to lose weight on my hips because of all the work there that had to be done. I then sucked in my gut and put both of my hands on my stomach pushing it as hard as I could in. Another mental note was made. When I found another flaw, one more mental note was made. Then another, another, another, and another.   
‘You’d better freaking remember this,’ I whispered to my reflection, ‘No one else will.’  
I huffed one more time at the monster staring back at me through the mirror and walked out of the bathroom.  
When I walked down the stairs I saw my parents, Carter, and Ashton sitting at the table eating pancakes. Usually we don’t eat breakfast as a family like this, but when dad makes his famous pancakes there is good reason to eat together because of how rarely he makes them.   
I sat down and dished up a pancake making one more mental note to work this pancake off later when I worked out. Even if it killed me.   
“Hey, Beth!” Dad said smiling. I flinched at how happy he was so early in the morning.  
“Hello.” I mumbled.   
“How are you today, sweetheart?” Mom asked.  
“Fine.”   
“What are you going to do today?”  
“I don’t know, the usual.”  
Mom huffed. “Well, if you need something to do, dad and I have some stuff you can do.”  
“Okay, I guess I’ll keep myself busy then.” I answered. That earned a laugh from Carter and Ashton. Mom gave me a disapproving look and then directed her attention from me to Ash.  
“So, Ash, your mom was telling Alex and me about a friend of yours that is coming to visit. What is all that about?”  
“Oh, yeah, that would be Luke.” He smiled.  
“That will be nice. I’m sure you’re excited about that.”  
“Yeah, I am. I can’t believe he wanted to fly all the way from Australia just to hang out with me. I’ve told him how much fun I’m having in America and he REALLY wanted to come here.”  
I scoffed.   
“Who would ever want to come here?”   
Mom and dad, once again, gave me disapproving looks.  
“Sorry…” I whispered.  
“When is he coming?” Carter asked.  
“Tomorrow night, I think. Why?”  
“Because you asked me to drive you to the airport to pick him up, remember?”  
“Oh, right. Yeah.”  
Before I realized what was coming out of my mouth I spoke.  
“Can I go?” As soon as I said it, I regretted it because to my surprise Carter actually said yes for a stupid reason along the lines of ‘You can carry the bags’ or ‘You can pay for dinner.’  
‘I really did it this time…’ I thought as I leaned back in my chair and dropped my fork on the plate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much happened in this chapter, but I hope you liked it! Thanks for reading!


	3. He Belongs In A Disney Sing Along

The day was slow and mostly filled with me just sitting around the house. For some amount of my time I watched a little bit of Netflix. The shows that I watched consisted of Sherlock, Doctor Who, and Supernatural. I have seen all of the episodes on Netflix, but I never mind watching them again. For me whenever I watch my favorite show all of my stress is gone and I am in a different world. Time isn’t an entity in this world and I don’t have to worry about anything in my life. My shows are a wall blocking unwanted time.  
Carter and Ash went out for the day to see a movie or something like that. I don’t understand why they wanted to go see a movie, I mean, there is nothing good out. Just a bunch of stupid movies that have no plot. I guess Carter and Ash like those things though. Maybe because they are so simple and they don’t have to worry about what is going to happen in the end.  
Just as I was about to make some dinner for myself I heard the garage door open. I could hear Carter and Ash outside the door laughing. I couldn’t tell what they were laughing about because their voices were muffled. I leaned back against the counter and waited for Carter to open the door to the house. He opened it, peered in, and looked at me.  
“Are you still coming?” He asked still halfway outside the door with his head inside and his body out.  
“Where?” I asked crossing my arms and furrowing my brows.  
“To the airport.” Carter said rolling his eyes in annoyance.  
“Oh, umm…” My heart jumped a little. I totally forgot about Ashton’s friend. “I think I might just sta-“ Ashton cut me off.  
“It’ll be really fun, Beth! Please go? I told my friend about you and he seems pretty excited to meet you.”  
“I doubt that very much.” I mumbled.  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“…….”  
“……Uh, yeah, but you should come.” Ashton smiled at me. How could I not agree to go with them when he gave me THAT smile?  
“……..Fine,” I said finally, “I’ll go.”  
The car ride over to the airport was fun. We listened to classic rock on the radio. Every time a song Ash knew came on the radio, he would air drum the drum set parts. I loved it when he did that because of how happy and carefree he looked. There hasn’t been a day where I have seen the kid frown. He is always optimistic. Sometimes if I’m lucky, his optimism and happiness gets rubbed off on me and I forget all my worries. I think he belongs in a Disney sing-along or something.  
When we made it to the airport about 2o minutes later, Carter parked in, like, the freaking south twenty. So, naturally we had to trek our way to the airport. We almost got hit by two cars who were booking their way out of there. They better have had a valid reason for almost killing a couple of kids. Carter made a joke about how they probably got a call from their wives saying that they were waiting for them. Neither Ash nor I laughed at that. We just looked at him in a sort of worried fashion. He looked back at us and frowned.  
“You don’t get it?”  
“No.” Ash said holding the airport doors open for both Carter and I.  
“Oh, come on! It was funny!” Carter said throwing his hands in the air dramatically.  
“Well then explain it to me.”  
“You can’t explain a joke once you’ve said it! The time has passed.”  
“No, come on, I wanna know.”  
“Ash, you can’t explain a jo-“ I cut into their conversation.  
“What Carter said, in a ridiculously stupid way I might add, is that those two people who almost killed us probably got a call from their wives that they want to have steamy sex with their husbands which, I should mention, only happens in porn videos. But I mean it’s not like Carter would know that so we should maybe give him a break for making a stupid and completely inaccurate joke. In case you both are curious, it is inaccurate because one of those people was, like, freaking 90 years old and the other one looked like a loser who lives in his parent’s basement. Therefore, case closed, they were not going home and having sex.”  
Ash and Carter looked at me as I continued to look forward and maneuver my way through the people in the airport.  
“Can I have a sister like yours, Carter?” Ashton asked laughing.  
“Please, take her.” Carter said pushing me into a person walking by.  
“Hey!” I said giggling and pushing him back.  
“ASHTON!” Carter and I stopped as we heard someone yell. We couldn’t see anything in the mob of people. Then all of a sudden we saw a head appear then disappear, appear, and disappear. All the while the head was yelling for Ashton and trying to push his way through.  
“LUKE!?” Ashton yelled back also pushing through people. Carter and I just followed Ashton because we were unbelievably confused.  
“LUKE! LU-OHMYGODJUSTGETOUTOFMYFREAKINGWAY-KE!” Ashton ran into some lady with, like, 50 bags in her hands and about half of them fell out of her hands. He quickly apologized, picked up the bags, shoved them back into her hands, and then pushed through one more group of people. Then we could see the other boy.  
Ashton’s friend promptly dropped his bag and they both went for a hug. They hugged with such force I was afraid they would fall over. Ashton’s smile was about a mile long and his dimples looked more visible than they ever had.  
The other boy was happy, you could see it in his stunning blue eyes by the way they were sparkling, but he wasn’t smiling as much as he could. By that I mean he wasn’t smiling with his teeth. I could see a hint of his dimples and from what I could see they were pretty big. His hair was sort of blondish-brown or dirty dishwasher blond, whichever suits your fancy. Apparently, Carter spotted this guy’s lip ring because he said something like; “Wow, that’s tacky.” Which I think deserved a ‘shut up’ from me, but I can’t really remember… Wow this guy was tall. He was taller than Ash at least who was taller than Carter who was taller than me who is 5’4”. Oh dear Lord, he was so… So… So what? I couldn’t think, he was walking over to us with Ashton.  
“Cart, this is Luke. Luke, this is Carter.” Ash introduced them. “Carter is my best AMERICAN friend. And Luke is my best AUSTRAILLIAN friend.”  
“Hey.” Luke smiled slightly in a friendly manner and shook Carter’s hand. I could literally see the surprise in Carter’s face. Most teenagers close to his age don’t shake hands. But just because Luke shook his hand, Carter decided to bring out as much manner as he could muster and shook Luke’s hand.  
“Hey.” Carter said and smiled. He didn’t look suspicious anymore.  
I stood there awkwardly and tried not to make a sound. I didn’t want Ash to introduce me. I already knew that my face would turn red and I would shake. All of a sudden Ash made eye contact with me. I widened my eyes almost to say NO. Oh God, Ash, no. Please n-  
“Luke, this is Beth. Beth this is Luke.” Ashton said and for some reason he put emphasis on Luke’s name and looked at me moving his eyebrows up and down.  
Luke stuck out his hand. I could feel my face turning red and my heart was beating really fast. Don’t be weird. Don’t be weird. I thought. I quickly stuck out my hand and shook his hand. My hand was all sweaty and I hoped that he wouldn’t be able to feel it. I didn’t want to look at his face in fear I might freeze and maybe even faint. He was pretty dang attractive.  
“Beth,” He said still shaking my hand, “Cool.”  
“I highly doubt my name is cool...” I whispered to myself and pulled my hand away still looking down. I didn’t think anyone could hear it, but apparently he had. He chuckled, but it was barely audible. My heart fluttered.  
“So, should we go get something to eat?” Ash asked all of us very loudly I might add.  
“Yeah,” Carter said starting to walk toward the exit, “We should go to McDonalds! I’ve been really craving it these past few days.”  
“You know how gross that stuff is?” Ash asked him scrunching his face up in disgust.  
“Where does Luke want to go? He was the one who just flew on a cramped airplane for forever.” Carter turned toward him.  
“Oh, I just was thinking something that is closest to here. I am starving and I just need something.” Said Luke flashing a friendly smile toward Carter. He seemed to be having trouble carrying his bags considering he dropped one of them every five seconds. It was kind of hard not to notice, but apparently Carter and Ash missed it because they didn’t stop to help him.  
“Uh, Ash,” I started to talk but was cut off by Carter.  
“I mean, we COULD go to Taco Bell, but I freaking HATE their tacos.”  
“Ash,” I tried to talk again but was cut off this time by Ash.  
“Taco Bell isn’t the closest place so we aren’t going there.”  
I continued to watch Luke struggle with his luggage until he dropped one of them and had to reach around one of his other bags to grab it. Sticking out his tongue in concentration he reached as far as he could toward his bag and still couldn’t reach it. He looked up at Ash and Carter in a sort of panicky manner and tried to reach it again. I rolled my eyes at Cart and Ash walking ahead talking about fast food. I walked over to where he dropped his bag, my heart beating incessantly. Luke kept dropping his stuff right after he would pick up something else. I bent down next to him.  
“Uh, do you need some help with that?” I asked him quietly looking anywhere but him and smiled a little.  
He laughed and seemed to be a little embarrassed because in my peripheral vision I could see his face turn a little red.  
“No, I’m fine.” He answered me. My heart sank and I backed off.  
Ouch. Rejected… I thought.  
I waited for him. Of course I was a few feet behind him because I didn’t want him to yell at me. I honestly didn’t know what he would do. I didn’t know him. I mean, for all I know he could be a circus clown that gets underpaid and maybe some random 16 year old got him fired. Maybe that’s why he hated 16 year old me. Oh, shut up. He hates you because he hates you. You’re ugly and you aren’t meant to be the one helping him. Just GO. GO.  
Right when I thought that, he dropped a bag that looked like a guitar case. I could hear the strings vibrate from the force of the ground.  
“Shit.” He muttered to himself and just sank to the ground dropping everything to his sides. He quickly leaned over his stuff and opened the guitar case. I didn’t really think about it, but I leaned over and peered in. It was just a simple acoustic guitar. Nothing was broken and I could hear him breathe out in relief. He sat there for another maybe 20 seconds and then closed his guitar case.  
“So, is your offer still valid?” He asked me without turning around to face me.  
I don’t freaking know, you butthole, maybe if you turned to talk to me like a normal person. I thought and crossed my arms.  
Just as I thought it, he turned his head around and looked at me right in the eyes. My breathing hitched. Oh, dear, never mind. I take it back. Don’t look at me. Just don’t. Turn around turn around turn around turn arou-  
“Pleeeese?” He asked again and smiled one of those smiles that you KNOW isn’t real, but it’s so genuinely good at being fake that it almost looks real. I didn’t say anything or smile, I just walked over and grabbed the smallest bag he had and started to walk away. I looked down at the bag I had after a couple steps and stopped. I huffed, turned back around, and walked back to Luke. He was still struggling with the bags he had. I quickly grabbed another one out of his hand and walked away again. This time Luke followed without a struggle.  
“Thank you.” He said quietly and looked down at me almost waiting for me to answer.  
“You’re welcome.” I said back and smiled a little.  
“We better hurry to catch up to Ash and Carter. They are probably fighting with each other about fast food.” Luke said in a joking manner.  
I decided to go along with his joke to humor him.  
“Yeah, but I’m not breaking them up. That’s your job.”  
“Got it.” He said opening the front door for me and catching me by surprise.  
“Oh, wow, thank you.” I awkwardly walked through the door.  
As we made our way out to the car we didn’t talk that much. Maybe an occasional mumble from Luke about how “the weather here is interesting,” or “wow, its freezing.” I didn’t say anything back to him most of the time because I wasn’t too interested in talking about the weather. It wasn’t even that cold.  
When we finally made it back to the car, Ash and Carter were leaning against it talking. They turned to look at us as I opened the back door and shoved Luke’s crap in the back. All the while I was glaring at them. Ash started laughing.  
“Why are you looking at us like that?”  
I huffed and closed the back door without answering him. Then I got into the front of the car and waited for all of them.


	4. I Suggest You Ask A Better Question Before I Leave the United States of the Kitchen Counter

After a “nice” meal at Subway with me not eating anything, Carter had dropped Ash and Luke off at Ash’s house. The drive over there was quiet with someone coughing here or there. Although it felt awkward to me and made me feel like I wanted to throw up, the other guys didn’t seem to mind just thinking about things. To feel better I just took out my iPod and listened to music all the way home. When we made it to Ash’s house Carter said goodbye to them and they said goodbye to both of us. I stayed silent, but sent a small smile their way.  
When I opened the front door of the house and walked in it smelled like mom’s famous pumpkin spice cookies.  
“Hello?” Carter spoke from behind me.  
“Hello?” My mom responded from the living room.  
“Hey, mom, we’re home. Did you make cookies?” Carter picked up a cookie and ate it.   
Mom came into the kitchen and watched Carter eat the cookie.  
“No, I didn’t make cookies today. Sorry about that.” She spoke sarcastically and took the plate full of cookies away from him. I laughed and stole one from the plate too. Right when I grabbed it I felt guilty, but I ate it anyway thinking about how later I would go for a run.  
“Okay, well, I’m going to go upstairs,” Carter said as he walked away from the kitchen, “And I’m just gonna… Watch a movie or something…” He was slowly inching his way upstairs making sure mom didn’t care about him leaving right when we got home. Mom always likes it when we get home and tell her about our day.  
Carter ended up escaping and that left me to tell mom about our day.  
“Was the boy nice?” Mom asked after she and I sat down at the counter.   
“Out of all the questions about him you COULD ask, you ask ‘is he NICE?’ NICE could underlie a plethora of different definitions, mom. I suggest you ask a better question before I leave the United States of the kitchen counter.” Most people would be confused by this statement that I made, but it actually makes sense considering our kitchen counter has the world map on it as a design. I’m the one who gave it the name. Smart, huh?  
My mom looked at me as if she might give me this huge spiel about how I shouldn’t talk like that in front of adults or something like that, but she just laughed and ruffled my hair. I just sat there and squinted my eyes in confusion as she pulled on my hair.   
“You’re a smart kid, you know that?” She asked me finally.  
“In English, yes, in every other subject, no. Which means, according to the school district, I am automatically not smart. I don’t think that they’re very smart considering they hired a bunch of low-life teachers who don’t teach anything. I mean, if I wanted to learn more than what they are teaching me, mom, you can just sign me up to learn from monkeys. It could be a thing.” I gestured to an invisible headline in front of me, “’First Monkey Teachers Teach Stupid Kid to do Algebra. “Mom, I can literally see it now.” I said with a frown and looking at my mom.  
“I think I can see it too!” Mom said laughing and getting up from the chair. She walked over to the oven to take out a new batch of cookies.  
“Geez, mom, are you making cookies for the entire population? How many does that make? Five hundred?”  
“Beth, don’t be rude, please. They are for the boy that just came today! What’s his name again? Leo? Leon? Lance? L-“ I cut her off and rolled my eyes.  
“Luke. And he doesn’t need any cookies.”  
“Why, is he chubby? All the more reason to give him cookies! He will actually eat them!”  
I giggled. “No, nothing like that. He just doesn’t need that many cookies.”  
“How do you know? Maybe he loves pumpkin spice cookies.” Mom put all the cookies in a bag and dropped them in front of me. My heart rate sped up and I shook my head at her.  
“No,” My eyes were wide, “I am NOT taking these to him.”  
“To bad, you’ve been elected. If you have to, take your brother. Just don’t let him eat all of them.”  
The next thing I know, Carter and I are driving to Ashton’s apartment.  
Carter let out a long sigh, slumped in his seat, and took his foot off the gas letting the car slow down to a stop several feet from the stop sign. He had always driven like a grandma and I think I was just about the only person in this world who was okay with that. We waited while he swished his head back and forth, back, forth, back, forth, and then back one more time before he finally inched forward and turned the corner.  
“Are we gonna stay long?” I asked Carter as we pulled into a parking spot at the apartments.  
“I don’t know. Do you want to?” Carter answered as he leaned his head against head rest.  
“Well, you don’t look so enthusiastic about staying.” He sighed at this.   
“Well, I just, like, have stuff to do. That’s all.”  
“Well then, it’s settled! You take the cookies up and then we can leave. See ya!” I shoved the cookies at him and immediately looked down at my feet.  
Carter looked at me startled. He shook his head, huffed, and stepped out of the little green Subaru. I listened to him walk away and slowly let out a breath of relief when I didn’t hear his muffled steps anymore.  
I sat in the car for several minutes in silence thinking about nothing. I was staring off into space when I realized that about 15 minutes had passed. What is taking him so long? I thought to myself. 20, 30, 40 minutes passed. I started bouncing in my seat a little to avoid boredom. I turned my head and looked up at the second floor where Ash lived. Still no Carter.  
Come on… Carter you idiot. God, I’m gonna have to get up and get you aren’t I?  
I closed my eyes and took in a breath. I let it out and sat there for a moment deciding if it really was worth going to get him. 'I mean, he could be dead by now, I thought, which is all the more reason to go and get him. But it’s also a good reason not to, I mean, if he’s dead it’s not like me going up there to look for him is gonna help him in any way… Dang it… I should go… But the car is so quiet and it has no people in it to bother me… No, shut up, Beth. Let’s go.'  
I grabbed the door handle and then squinted my eyes thinking about it again. I dropped the handle, hesitated again, and then finally opened the door.   
By the end of this, Carter BETTER be freaking dead.  
I reached Ashton’s apartment. Number 123. Ash always liked how his apartment number was 123. I thought back to the time when he first bought the place and made some stupid joke about the number. Carter and I just stood there and watched him while he laughed at his own joke. Ash was the kind of guy who could find humor in everything; make a situation funnier than it should be. I wish that I could be like that. Somehow I know that one of the reasons I am still alive on this Earth is because of the people I surround myself with. It has nothing to do with the way I am.  
I knocked on Ash’s door and waited for a good 3 minutes. Within those 3 minutes I actually managed to get a little worried, but Ash opened the door and smiled his signature smile. My worries vanished just as quickly as they came.  
“Beth!” Ash said and pulled me into a hug.  
“Oh, wow, hugs.” I said, my voice muffled in his chest.  
“Come on in! We’re just watching some t.v.”   
I stepped inside with a set plan to scream at Carter but immediately forgot those plans when I saw two guys I had never seen before looking at me.  
“Beth,” Ash said guiding me into the living room where the t.v. was, “This is Calum.”   
Calum smiled and awkwardly waved at me. My face turned scarlet red and I looked down at my shoes to try and make it less awkward for both of us.  
“And this,” Ash said pulling me by the sleeve over to the other side of the room, “is Michael.”   
“Hi, nice to meet you.” Michael said with a half-smile.  
“Ye-um-you too. Ireallylikeyourhair.” I said way to fast and once realizing it covering my mouth with my hand. In another split second I realized it was weird to do that so I pulled my hand off of my mouth with my other hand and groaned to myself quietly.   
“Yeah, she’s a little awkward.” Carter said in between snorts of laughter.  
“YOU.” I spoke low and evilly.  
Carter’s eyes widened and he put his leg and held his arms up for protection against the wrath of little ol’ me. I ran over to him and started slapping him. He pushed me away by kicking me in the stomach. I gagged and almost fell over, but I ran into something that caught my fall. I looked backward and up and saw Luke looking down at me with his piercing blue eyes.  
I noticed many things in the 3 seconds he was holding on to me: His hands- warm, first of all, and his grip was “real.” You know how sometimes you have people who will maybe grab onto your arm or hand so you don’t fall and you can just tell that if in that moment you were about to fall off a cliff and they were holding on to you like that, you were going to die. They would surely slip and let you fall. But then you have those people that have a “real” grip where you can feel that they are not going to let you go. That grip is truly genuine and you know whoever has it, you can trust them with your life. Another thing I noticed was how his eyes searched for mine asking without words if I was alright. With these people you know, they can read emotions and feel them. One other thing I noticed was how he was holding me against him. I could feel the warmth of his chest through his shirt and through mine on my back. In this moment I was truly thankful that our hearts couldn’t be felt throughout our whole bodies. If they could, I would be a lost cause. Although was I already a lost cause? I couldn’t be sure. With these kinds of people you can never be quite sure of what they notice.  
“Are you alright?” Luke asked me as he pulled me up to my feet.  
“If by alright you mean ‘having a heart attack’ then yes, I am just dandy.” I mumbled. Because he couldn’t hear what I said I quickly replied with a quiet “yes, thank you.”  
“Oh, God, Beth are you okay?” Carter asked facetiously still protecting his face with has shield of limbs.  
“Can we just go home now?” I asked Carter as I walked around Luke and looked at the ground searching for my shoes.  
“No, I’m staying here for a while, but you can tell Mom that when you get there.”  
“How am I supposed to get there when I can’t even drive yet?”  
“Walk.”  
“IT’S COLD, CARTER. I’M NOT GOING TO WALK. CAN WE PLEASE GO HOME NOW?” I was on the verge of tears by now and was half way out the door.  
Carter rolled his eyes and slowly got up from the couch he was ever so lazily sprawled out on. He put on his shoes slower than he got up and took every chance he had to waste even more time. Finally after a couple of freaking days, he stood up and grabbed the door knob. He gave a small wave to the guys in the living room.  
“See ya tomorrow maybe.” He said as he pushed me back and went through the door first. Everyone in the room said goodbye to him by mumbling a sound something like: “Eeeehhh.” After Carter rudely left me I started to walk out. Just before I closed the door I heard someone from inside.  
“Bye, Beth.” I shut the door before I could look and see who it was, but for some reason I kept wishing it was Luke.  
“Bye.” I whispered to myself and stood there for a minute that seemed like an hour with my hand still on the door knob.  
“BETH, LET’S GO!” I heard Carter yell from the parking lot. Snapping out of my daze I quickly let go of the door and ran down to the car, my white scarf blew behind me and the cold air blinded me, but I just kept running in rhythm with the beat of my heart. Maybe I was, in fact, having a heart attack…


	5. My Weapon of Choice- A Shoe

I feel dead. I feel like I at least should be dead. Some days I have to keep telling myself that YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HERE. If I didn’t keep telling myself that several times a day, I’m almost completely sure I wouldn’t be here to breath in the fresh air on a cool, crisp day. I wouldn’t be here to lie in the warm, slightly damp grass in the summer and watch the stars. I wouldn’t be here to tell my Mom and Dad that I will always be here for them. Sometimes I think there is no point in telling myself that I’m meant to be here. I mean, what would happen if I stopped? I would live on… But then, is that completely true? I’m not sure.  
I sat on the porch drinking some hot coffee my Mom had made me that morning. The steam from it would curl up into the air and twist and turn and then disappear. I thought about the resemblance between me and the steam (I tend to think my life has a certain metaphor that goes with it, but I am still trying to figure out what that certain metaphor is). The steam starts slow and small when first leaving the mug. It then proceeds to get bigger and as it does, it dances. It flips and bends and makes you think that it is going to do alright with itself. Then right when you think it’s going to do a grand trick for you, it disappears. The magic of it, though, is how it starts all over again like nothing ever happened. Like it didn’t just disappear. Some days I wish I could start over. Be exactly like the steam and dance and flip my way through life and disappear right when I’m about to do the grand trick. Leaving people in suspense would be the best way to disappear.   
‘I’m ridiculous,’ I thought taking another sip of my coffee, ‘Steam in a freaking coffee mug is NOT a metaphor for my life… Idiot…’  
I wrapped my fuzzy blanket around me tighter and shuffled in my chair a little.   
Carter walked out the front door, slammed it shut receiving a yell from Mom inside telling him not to slam things, and shuffled over to the chair next to me. His hair on the right side of his head stood straight up into the air, while the other side was flat against his head. He stared off into the yard with his mouth slightly open and his eyes drooping. I giggled.  
“Good morning, handsome.” I said taking another sip of my coffee.  
“Why are you up so early and why are you OUTSIDE?” Carter asked me louder than he should have.  
“Because,” I said lowering my voice in hopes he would follow my example, “It’s too loud inside.”  
He looked at me with a confused expression on his face and sat back against the back of the chair. Then, he turned his head back to where it was before, looking forward.  
“Mom and Dad are just in there cooking breakfast for themselves. How can it possibly be too loud in there for you?”  
“I don’t know. It just is. They were putting stuff in the blender and they were talking to Kili like he was a baby saying stuff like: ‘Does Kili want some treeaaatsss? Aww, yes, widdle Kili wants some tweats! Sit! Sit! No, Kili, that is NOT sitting. Bad boy, Kili. SIT! AWWW!!! GOOD BOY KILI, YOU SAT! Widdle Kili gets TWO treats now! Good boy! Be gentle, gentle…. Gentle… KILI! GENTLE!’ It gets pretty repetitive after they do it every day and I like to avoid the annoyance if I can.”  
“I guess that’s pretty true…”   
We sat in silence for about 5 minutes and then I spoke up.  
“Why are you out here? I mean, you’re wearing shorts and just a sweatshirt. It’s November now, do you even own a pair of sweats?”  
“To answer your second question, yes, I do in fact own some sweats. I have a whole drawer full of them. And to answer your first question, maybe I just wanted to hang out with the coolest little sister in the world! Is that such a crime?” Carter said dramatically. I laughed.  
“That’s a complete and utter lie, you butt,” I shoved him lightly, “Why are you out here?”  
“I’m gonna be heading to Ash’s apartment to hang with the guys.”  
My heart sank a little. I kind of wished that Carter stayed and hung out with me. No matter how annoyed I get with him sometimes, I’ve always been really close to him. When we were little and we weren’t going to school yet, he and I would just have each other to play with considering we didn’t really have any neighbors at the time. Our game was always pirates. Carter was always captain of the ship and I was always the best sailor in the Pacific. I remember Carter trying to make me play the Kraken once because he said, and I quote, ‘You look like you could swallow a ship in one gulp!’ Yeah, he was a cute kid… Later in life when age actually mattered to us and we made friends of our own at school, we stopped hanging out with each other. After a while, though, when Carter found friends who accepted me, (*cough* *cough* Ashton   
*cough* *cough*) we hung out more together and he stopped caring when we did. I was considered one of his best friends. I also always understood the meaning of “boundaries” when I was a kid. I knew when I should leave him and his friends alone and when I could hang out with them. This I know has always made Carter respect me as a little sister and just as a person in general.   
“So you like those guys?” I asked Carter after a while.  
“Yeah, Calum seems a little random at times, you know, like his thoughts are all over the place, which is awesome. He also plays soccer like a freaking pro. I’ll finally have someone to play soccer with now that he’s here. Then Michael is really funny. Like, he has really witty jokes that he can think of on the spot. Do you know that they all used to have a band?”  
I shook my head and sat there a minute.  
“What about Luke? What do you think about him?” I asked without thinking.  
“Umm… He’s cool. Kinda quiet so it’s hard to get to know him.” Carter answered without hesitation or question.  
“Oh.” Was all I could say.  
“Wait, why?”  
“No reason. Just curious.”  
“He’s asked about you, you know.”  
My stomach dropped and my heart skipped a beat.  
“Why?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe he likes you.” Carter moved his eyebrows up and down in a joking manner.  
“Stop it!” I said laughing.  
“What? This?” He moved closer and moved them faster. I laughed even harder and covered my eyes with my hand. He laughed and tickled me on my neck. I screamed and immediately karate chopped his hand away.   
“Oh, man, you’re a dweeb.” He said standing up from the chair and stretching.  
“Who uses the word dweeb anymore?  
“I just did, so me.”  
“You’re a dweeb for using the word dweeb.”  
“You’re a dweeb for using the word dweeb to describe a dweeb.”  
“Ha! You just called yourself a dweeb!”  
“Oh, shut up. You know who the real dweeb is. And just in case you don’t,” Carter opened the front door and stepped in and began to shut it, “It’s you!” He slammed the door and then I was in complete silence, but now it was a brighter kind of silence and I was smiling.  
Carter left to Ashton’s house and while he was there I took my chance to go and work out. We had a whole set up in the basement because one year my Dad when on a whole rampage about health and exercise. He threw out all the foods in the house that weren’t fruit or vegetables. Then he bought a treadmill, weights, a boxing bag with gloves, and a shake weight. Let me tell you, shake weights were NOT invented to make you look great while working out. After I walked downstairs while my Dad was “shake weighting” with his back turned away from me, I never wanted to see a shake weight ever again.   
I started running on the treadmill and kept running until everything hurt. And even then I didn’t stop. I kept going until my legs couldn’t take it. When my legs buckled out from under me when I stood on the floor was when I knew it was time to move on to the next form of a workout. I picked up the boxing gloves and started punching the punching bag. While I punched, I thought up a story in my mind.  
‘Beth Aaron. Best boxer in the business. No one ever wanted to mess with Beth until one day a strong boxer by the stage name of “Punching Paul” stepped into the position to fight her. He was big and mean. His sweaty muscles gleamed in the dim arena lights. His sneer scared the minds of the people who had fought him before (and survived). He was the guy little kids dressed as on Halloween to scare other little kids away.   
On the day of the fight, Beth had to warm up by punching her signature red, white, and blue punching bag. “BOOM!” Lightning struck a man down every time that bag was punched. “BOOM!” Another man down, “BOOM! BOOM! BOOOOOOM!” The punching bag broke from the ceiling and flew to the back of the room. “I’M READY TO GO!” She screamed with all her might.   
As she stood in the arena staring at “Punching Paul,” she remembered her strategy: Don’t stop punching till your arms fall off or you hit the ground. By then you’ll know the fight is over. “GO!” Said the ref and she was off. “BOOM!” Went a punch, “BOOM!” Went another. Adrenaline made her blind to pain and because of that, she had no idea who was winning.   
All of a sudden another boom shot out into the air and Beth hit the ground. She could feel it now, the pain. It was a lot different than any pain she had felt before. It was worse, for Beth had lost.’  
I came back to my own world and realized I was flat on the ground. I was sweating pretty badly and I couldn’t feel my limbs. I had soon come to terms with the fact that I had blacked out right on the mat under the punching bag.   
I used all the muscle I could to try and pull myself up from the ground. I shook a lot, but I ended up making it halfway off the ground. I looked at the clock above the door. I had been down here working out for 3 hours and I blacked out for a good hour and a half.  
‘That was the best workout that I’ve had in weeks,’ I thought truly happy with myself, “I have to do a little bit better next time if I want to lose weight.’  
It took me a couple minutes to stand up and walk. I had to use the walls for guidance and I had to stop moving so quickly in fear I would faint again. When I got to the door and opened it, I heard muffled music coming from upstairs. Confusion and curiosity overcame me and I slowly and painfully made my way up the stairs.  
When I finally made it up the stairs and opened the door to enter the living room I immediately jumped a little backwards completely perplexed by what I saw.  
People were EVERYWHERE on the couch, in the kitchen, on the staircases, in the bathrooms, and even outside on the porch. I was scared to even think about who or what was in my room.   
My heart sped up as people walked by me and laughed with each other. They were all holding red cups. Some people were even dancing to the music that was way too loud. God, I had to find someone I knew. Mom, Dad, Carter, Ash, even the old lady down the street would do! I just couldn’t stand there any longer in all my embarrassment.   
I walked back onto the landing of the basement stairs and slammed the door. My breathing had picked up and the room seemed to be getting smaller and smaller. I can’t even explain to you how fast my heart was beating. Time seemed to stop and wait for me to make a move. I couldn’t, though. I leaned against the door and then slid down. I hugged my knees to my chest and tried to breath. My nails dug into my legs deeper and deeper.   
‘Ouch, that hurts, Beth.’ My mind tried to bring me back to life, but I wouldn’t listen. I just kept rocking back and forth. I heard a huge bang on the other side of the door that made me jump.   
‘Beth… Ow… STOP.’ My thoughts were now ignored. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. Every sound that I heard made me flinch.  
Thump.  
*Flinch*  
Bang.  
*Flinch*  
Before I knew it I was in my room. It was raining fairly hard outside. The puddles grew and grew on the street below. I was sitting on a cushion next to the window. Little white Christmas lights lined the window sill to make it seem bright. I remember putting those around my window years ago and going against Mom’s wishes to put tacks in the wall.   
I could hear the sound of the rain on my roof and nothing more. The thunder roared for a bit, but then stopped almost as if it wanted to make itself known, but not be the center of attention. Then I saw lightning. A huge bolt flashed across the sky. Another, another, then another. They kept getting closer and closer to my window. I scooted back and waited. I waited for something, I just didn’t know what. Then another flash of light burst through the clouds above and in through my window.   
White was all I saw and then I fell backward.  
“Beth?!” I heard a voice. I opened my eyes and looked around. I was flat on my back halfway in my living room halfway on the stair landing and I was being watched by people. Great. I looked up to see Ashton’s face above me holding on to the door handle.  
“I think I’m gonna throw up.” I said quickly. Ashton grabbed my hand and got me to my feet. Then he put my arm around him for support and held me up so I could walk. He then took me up the stairs, into my room, shut the door, locked it, and ran to the bathroom. He helped me sit down next to the toilet and he sat down on the side of the bathtub.  
“Are you alright?” He asked me finally.  
“I’m a little dizzy right now. Thanks for helping me,” I whispered to him, “What’s going on?”  
“Carter, Calum, and Michael all decided a party would be a great idea for a Saturday night here at your house.” Ashton said in a tone that sounded annoyed.  
My heart beat quickened. “Where are my Mom and Dad?”  
“They were going to your guys’ cabin, remember? They said they needed to take the boat out of the water before it snows. They said they were going to be gone for 2 days.”  
“Oh, right. Yeah.” I said running a hand through my hair. Ash looked worried.  
“Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want some water?”  
“I’m okay now. I don’t think I need water… I just.. Uh… Had another one.”  
“Another one?”  
“Yeah,” I opened my eyes wider to try and explain to him what I was trying to say without technically explaining it, “You know, ANOTHER ONE.”  
“Oh, a panic attack?”  
I flinched. I never liked hearing those words. I don’t like how they have to be somehow associated with my life. Usually when I talk to Carter about them I just have to say ‘I had ANOTHER ONE’ and he’ll get it. I never usually told Mom or Dad about it in fear they would make a bigger deal out of it than it should be.  
“Uh, yeah. That.” I said after a while.  
“Beth, I’m sorry. Do you need anything?”  
I smiled, “No. thanks Ash.”  
“Okay, well… What are you gonna do?”  
“Probably wait up here until they all leave.” I walked out of the bathroom and sat on my bed. Ash followed me and sat down in a chair next to my bed. I watched him swivel in the chair. He kept looking at me in the corner of his eye and then when I would look at him he would look away at the roof or the floor and continue to swivel. I breathed out slowly and rolled my eyes at him in a joking manner. I smiled.  
“Would you like to hang out with me until the party is over?” I said to him like he was about 5 years old. He seemed to breathe out a sigh of relief when I said it and he stopped swiveling.  
“I mean, if that’s cool with you.”   
“Its fine, you know that.”  
He smiled, “Yeah, I guess I do.”  
We ended up watching a movie on Netflix on the little t.v. in my room. We didn’t quite know what the movie was, but it kept us entertained. A couple of times we would hear loud thumps against the wall and Ash and I would look at each other. Every time it happened we would try to decipher what it was. Maybe a couple kissing against the wall, someone throwing something at the wall, someone having sex in Carter’s room across the hall (I didn’t like to think about that one), or maybe the police had showed up and they were arresting people. We didn’t know, but it was fun to try and guess. Ashton smiled and laughed a lot which made me feel happy. Whenever he would laugh, I wouldn’t laugh with him. I would just watch him in silence and when he stopped laughing and looked at me I would look away and pretend to do something else.   
“You know,” Ash said after the movie was over and I was trying to pick a new one, “You are the coolest person anyone could ever have the pleasure to meet.”   
I stopped flipping through the different movies and looked at him. His green eyes were sparkling. I could tell he was being completely and utterly serious. My heart fluttered.  
“Uh, wow. I uh-“ My face turned red and I had to turn it away from him to try and conceal it.   
“You don’t have to respond. I know it’s hard for you. I really do get it. I just wanted you to know that because you needed to. I don’t understand why more people don’t say that to you.”  
We sat in silence for a couple of seconds. I looked at the ground and fiddled with the remote in my hand. My eyes were tearing up a bit because I just knew that what he was saying about me wasn’t true. He may have meant it, but he didn’t know the whole story. Only bits and pieces. I finally whispered to him still looking at the floor.  
“They don’t tell me that because it’s not true, Ash. It’s not true. You don’t know how badly I wish it was, but it just isn’t. I think you have me mixed with someone else. I don’t think... I know.”  
Ashton didn’t say anything in return. He just stared at me with a face that looked as though he was concentrating. His eyes searched for mine, but I wouldn’t look at him. He quickly took his feet off of the footrest they were on and stood up. He walked right over to me and wrapped his arms around me. Oh God, I could feel my eyes tearing up. I didn’t want to cry, but I don’t think I had a choice. Ash sat on the bed next to me never breaking the hug. Then he whispered to me.  
“I said it once and I don’t regret saying it: I think you are the coolest person anyone could ever have the pleasure to meet. It’s true. I don’t doubt that it’s true. In fact, I never have. Beth, I wish you’d stop hurting yourself and thinking you’re not worth anything. I know you can’t just stop, but I wish you could. If only you could look at yourself through my eyes,” He paused for a second and then continued, “You’d understand my pain.” Yep, here come the tears.  
I ended up falling asleep while watching a really weird movie I didn’t understand. After Ashton had hugged me, we didn’t really talk the rest of the time he was in my room. He did stay on the bed next to me, but it wasn’t weird. I felt safe and secure, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t really know what happened with the party before I fell asleep. The music was still going and I could still hear thumps, but I think for the most part the biggest crowd went home or moved on to a different venue. All I remembered was looking at Ash to make sure he was still there and looking at the door to make sure it was still locked. When all was well and I felt safe, I fell asleep.  
The next morning when I woke up, I immediately bolted upward and slammed my head against the shelf connected to my bed.  
“OUCH! GOD DANGIT!” I yelled putting a hand to my head and squinting my eyes in pain.  
The light of day was blinding me so it took a second to adjust. I blinked and blinked until I was finally used to it. Then I looked to my left where Ash was last night. He was gone.   
‘Hmm. He must have snuck out while I was sleeping.’ I thought to myself as I stepped off the bed. As I did, I felt something under my feet that wasn’t my carpet, but I stepped on it anyway, too tired to care what it was. As soon as I stepped I regretted it.  
“OW! WHATTHEHELLISHAPPENING!?” I heard a voice scream. Something grabbed my feet and threw me to the ground. As soon as I hit the ground I screamed and looked at the body I had just stepped on. He was scrunched up in a ball about a foot away from me under one of my butterfly blankets. I shoved my feet into the carpet and pushed myself back into the wall. I looked over to my left and saw one of my shoes. I quickly grabbed it and held it in front of me as a weapon.  
“WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!” I screamed at the figure. He pulled the blanket off his head revealing some brownish blond hair. He then turned and looked at me with sleepy, blue oceans that some people I guess would probably call eyes.  
“Luke?” I questioned and dropped the shoe.  
“Beth,” He yawned, “You stepped on me a little...”  
“Uh, yeah, I’m sorry about that, I just I- um- I didn’t really make the connection that because you didn’t feel like my carpet you probably weren’t. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Where did I step on you? Are you okay? Oh my gosh, I’m really, really sorry. ” I made eye contact with him and he smiled, but not his full smile.   
“I’m fine, are you okay?” He said, still smiling.  
“Yeah.” I blushed a little and tried to smile back, but I’m pretty sure I just looked like I was constipated. Then I just looked at the ground trying not to blush at all. I could see out of my peripheral vision, he kept looking at me for a good ten seconds, then let his head fall back to the ground. He shut his eyes again. I watched as he shuffled a bit to get comfortable again and watched as he would reach up to his face to scratch the bridge of his nose every couple of minutes. After he finished moving I sat there in silence for a while looking out the window. I didn’t know what I was waiting for, considering I didn’t want to be there when he woke up again. My gaze out the window was interrupted by Luke moving his hand up to his nose again. He giggled quietly.  
“God,” He said still kind of giggling, “Every time I get comfy I have to scratch my nose or something… Beth? Are you still there?” He opened one eye, scrunched his nose, looked up at me, and then closed it again, “Okay good. Give me five minutes, is that okay?”  
I kind of just sat there for a minute until I realized he had asked me a question.   
“O-Oh, I uh-,” I wasn’t quite sure what to say to him, I mean, I did I have to give him five minutes? Was I supposed to wait for him? We had barely even talked before and he wants me to wait for him to wake up from his beauty sleep? No. Nuh-uh. Nope. I’m leaving… But for some reason my body didn’t move and I just stayed right where I was at with the sun beaming through and hitting me perfectly to keep me warm.   
After a while of sitting, I felt tired again so I slid on the floor beside Luke making sure we had enough personal space between us and a little bit more. I put my face flat on the cream colored carpet and looked over at Luke who was probably asleep again by now. His left cheek was squished to the ground and the pressure of the floor against it automatically opened the side of his mouth a little. He looked kind of funny lying there with the left side of his face askew. He didn’t look perfect which is why I think I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I could hear his breathing: soft and slow. In that moment I wished I could hear his heart-beat and at times I thought I could. But then I realized it was probably mine considering how nervous I was.   
I closed my eyes for a while and ended up falling asleep. When I woke up Luke was still lying there exactly how he was. I looked at the time: 11:23 A.M.  
‘Should I wake him up?’ I thought to myself. ‘If I don’t he’ll probably just sleep the day away. What if he has somewhere he needs to be? In that case, I HAVE to wake him up.’ My heart beat faster and faster as I reached my hand over toward him. Then I poked him gently.  
He slowly opened his eyes as if he had just closed them a second ago.   
“Uh, hi.” I said, my face still flat on the carpet. Luke blinked a couple of times and rubbed his eyes. After he finished stretching his arms something caught his attention and he looked down.  
“What is that on your arm?” He asked sitting up fairly quickly. My heart beat started going crazy so I sat up and pushed myself against the wall behind me. I quickly pulled my sleeve up to cover my scars.   
“Nothing. It’s nothing.” I sat there in the silence that followed and just held onto my arm.  
“You know when you stepped on me?” Luke asked me quietly with a friendly smile on his face.  
“Yes, I’m really sorry about that. Are you sure you’re okay?” I whispered to him honestly concerned.  
“Well I think I might be bleeding.”  
‘What a baby.’ I thought to myself and mentally rolled my eyes. ‘You ARE NOT bleeding. What could have made you bleed? I’m wearing SOCKS you freaking drama queen.’  
“How could you be bleeding?” I ended up asking him trying to hide my annoyance.  
“I uh, have stitches on my back and I think something must have pulled them from where they need to be… Am I bleeding?” He asked and turned his back toward me. All I saw was a pool of blood on his back and I immediately ran to the bathroom making sure I wouldn’t throw up. I leaned over the toilet for a minute to make sure all the queasiness was gone before I talked.  
“Yep,” I yelled so he could hear me from the room, “You’re bleeding just a bit.”  
I heard him walk in behind me and he patted my back lightly while I was still leaning over the toilet.  
“You okay? Sorry you had to see that.” He said as he looked into the mirror. I stood up slowly and watched him as he looked at his blood stain.  
“I’m okay,” I whispered slowly and took a deep breath, “That looks pretty bad.”  
“Yeah, it does. You might want to leave for a minute while I try to fix the stitches.”  
“Do you need help?” I found myself saying to him.  
“No, I think I can do it, thanks.”  
“You just don’t want me to throw up on you do you?” I asked him with a joking smile on my face as I walked out of the bathroom.  
“Precisely.” He joked back.   
I stood outside the bathroom and waited. In the hallway there were red cups everywhere, some with liquid in them and some without. Garbage was everywhere. When I say that I mean EVERYWHERE. Behind the picture frames, INSIDE the picture frames, under the rug, in the closet door and under it, some crap was even up in the light above me.   
‘Okay, how in the CRAP did someone even get something up there? God, he was definitely planning that or something. Good Lord.’ I thought and scrunched my nose in confusion. My thinking was interrupted when I heard Luke in the bathroom quietly whispering ‘Shit’ to himself. I quietly opened the door a little and saw him still standing in front of the mirror.   
‘Oh heck,’ I thought, ‘He’s not wearing a shirt.’ Without thinking I gasped and then covered my mouth with both of my hands. I nervously leaned against the wall hoping to God he didn’t hear that.   
“Hey Beth?” Luke asked with a little hint of defeat in his voice.  
“Uh, yeah?” My voice wavered and I mentally face-palmed.  
“I really don’t want to ask, but could you maybe help me?”  
“Uh,” I thought about it for a minute and then slowly opened the door, “What do you need me to do?” I looked up at him and my heart stopped. I had to hold onto the counter so that my legs didn’t fall out from under me.  
‘I’m in the presence of a freaking angel.’ I thought still looking at him in complete and utter admiration. I didn’t even think about the blood that was right in front of my freaking face.  
“Could you maybe take the stitches that are broken out?” He finally asked me. My mind switched to nurse mode, well first I gagged, and then switched to nurse mode and I reached my arms up to take the stitches out, but then stopped dead in my tracks.   
“I need gloves.” I said and reached down into the cabinet.  
“I think you’d be okay without gloves. I believe in you.” Luke said jokingly.  
“Okay, but I don’t want a disease so I’m gonna wear gloves.” I said back totally serious. Luke laughed and let me put on some gloves.  
When I was done I took a deep breath and reached up to the stitches. I almost pulled one out, but I was shaking way too badly. Luke flinched and swore under his breath. I muttered a quick sorry and tried again. I was shaking way too bad. Again, I tried, but I couldn’t do it and this time he swore and stepped away from me because of the pain.  
“Sorry Luke, I really can’t do this.” I said in a panicky tone.  
“Yeah, you got it. It might take you a couple of tries, but you got it. Here, try it one more time.” He turned his back toward me again. I tried again and shook way to bad. God, I was nervous. I’m sure I had pools of sweat inside the gloves by now. I grabbed onto the end of another stitch and pulled. I almost got it, but my shaking caused it to move back and forth in his skin.  
“Fuck!” He yelled and stepped away from me again. Even though I knew he wasn’t talking to me, I still felt like he was and my face turned red.  
“I can’t do this, Luke. I keep hurting you!” I cried.  
“It’s okay, just try again.” Luke said calmly.  
“No, I ca-“  
“Yes you can.”  
“Luke.”  
“No.”  
“What? I ca-“  
“Yes.”  
“No.”  
“Yes. See if I do it, I will probably hurt myself worse. Please, Beth? If you do this for me I won’t ever ask you to do anything else for me as long as I live.” Luke turned his head and looked me right in the eyes. When I looked into his I felt as though I couldn’t look away. His eyes looked kind of sad which for some odd reason made me feel sad. This wasn’t the sadness that came with the pain of taking the stitches out because it was engraved in his eyes. It made them look somewhat cold, but also very gentle. And the thing was, I couldn’t take my eyes off his.  
“Please?” He whispered to me and I snapped back to life. When I did so, I made a really weird sound almost like a moan, but I couldn’t be sure. I opened my eyes wide and looked at the floor. Oh, God. I have to quite embarrassing myself. Luke laughed and soon his dimple could be seen.  
“What was that all about?” He asked me still laughing.  
“Oh, goodness. I’m just gonna be completely honest with you. I’m a really awkward kid. That’s why I can’t pull out your stitches. I am way too shaky and umm… Nervous? I think.” I said and Luke stopped smiling and just looked at me.  
“You don’t need to feel nervous around me, ever. Okay?” He looked totally serious.  
“Yeah, I know I don’t have to be,” I said remembering the sad look in his eyes, “But I still am and I will continue to be for a while… That’s how it was with Ashton.”  
“What about anyone else you’ve ever met?”  
“I don’t ever talk to people.”  
“You talked to me.”  
“With great pressure from Ash. And even now I still don’t know you.”  
“You will. I promise you that.” He said with a small smile. I wanted to change the subject.  
“So, how did you even get all these stitches and- Oh yeah, why were you in my room this morning?”  
“Answer to question 2 first: Ashton left your room last night and on the way out he saw me in the bathroom I guess you could say I was trying to avoid people. I haven’t ever been fond of parties. Anyway, he told me that there was a room upstairs I could stay in for the night that no one would bother. So he brought me up to your room and thus, there I was.”  
“Didn’t you see me on the bed? Didn’t you think it would be a little awkward when you woke up and saw me?”  
“I actually didn’t see you at all. You must have been buried under the covers.”  
“Okay, hold on,” I interrupted, totally distracted, “Can you, like, put on a shirt or something?”  
“You have to take my stitches out still, thou-“  
“Okay, okay, fine. Turn around.” I said as he turned.  
“Can I continue?”   
“Please do.”   
“To answer question 1: I was swimming at the beach in Sydney and I tripped on a rope or something that was on the ground and I fell on a rock.”  
‘Okay, well, that was a complete lie.’ I thought.  
“The wound is on YOUR BACK.” I said out loud.  
“Yeah, I fell as I was walking backward.” He looked back at me with a silly smile on his face.  
“Are you being facetious?” I asked giggling at him.  
“I’m gonna go with a guess on that one because I have no idea what that word means: How about a yes with that one… Am I right?”  
“I think you might be…” I said proud of myself for using a word he didn’t know.  
I pulled the last stitch and it came out with just a little flinch from Luke.  
“Okay.” I said and pulled the gloves off.  
“How does it look, Doc? Am I gonna live?” He asked dramatically as the tried to look back at it.  
“Umm… I hope so.” I said giggling.  
“Good,” He pulled on his shirt and stood up, “Thanks, Beth.”  
I blushed, but this time I didn’t really care. I just nodded my head and turned to go out of the bathroom. I needed to find Carter or something. He had to clean all this crap up because I wasn’t going to.  
“Hey,” I heard Luke say from behind me, “I think I should probably go back to Ashton’s house, but do you need any help first cleaning up before I go?”  
“Um.. I’m not gonna clean it up anyway. Carter is, but thanks.” I said quietly.  
“Okay, if you need any help just call me.” I turned to look at him and he was holding my phone in his hand typing his number. I probably dropped it out of my pocket when I left the bedroom. He handed it to me and smiled.  
“Um… Okay, thank you.” I said as I looked at his name in my contacts. Right next to his name he put a monkey emoji in. I giggled and looked up at him just to find him walking out my front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this didn't turn out all that great, but I have had writers block for the past day. Not very fun! Anyway, thank you for reading!


	6. A Milk Run Turns Into a Therapy Session

The party was two days ago. I ended up finding Carter in the wreckage we called a home and told him to clean it all up. I pretty sure he had a hangover because he kept stopping while he was picking up garbage and grabbing his head in pain. After a while of watching him somewhat suffer, I picked up a garbage bag and helped him. In the end we had 15 bags of garbage, 2 bags of clothes that were not ours, and 1 bag of stuff that looked important enough not to throw away, but too sketchy to leave out in our house. We began the clean-up at about noon and we finished at 7:00 that night with no breaks (at least for me because according to Carter, a “man” has to get at least 3 helpings of protein a day and I didn’t feel like arguing with him). Carter turned a movie on and made some popcorn to, I guess, celebrate our job well done. The house was probably cleaner than it was before the clean-up. After a while of watching the movie I decided I was pretty tired and I went into my room to go to sleep. I told Carter goodnight, crawled into bed, and completely blacked out.  
I woke up when I heard the sound of our door opening and then closing. I heard whispering and I tried to distinguish whose voices they were. When I couldn’t, I decided to sneak out of my room and see who it was. When I tried to get off of my bed I didn’t realize how tired I was and my legs fell out from under me. I fell to the floor with a huge boom and sat there for a minute trying to analyze my situation. Uh, ow, for starters.  
“Beth?” I heard a voice from downstairs. I immediately got back on my bed and pulled the covers over my head. I heard footsteps come up to my bed from the door and I could feel whoever it was just looking at me.   
‘Come on,’ I thought after a while, ‘if you’re a murderer, murder me already and if you’re someone I like, wake me up or something.’  
“Beth,” It was Carter, “I’m gonna go to Ashton’s. I’ll lock the doors behind me and I’ll make sure Kili comes up here to sleep with you, okay?”  
I sat up quickly and looked at him which caused too much blood to rush into my head, “Why are you leaving?” I asked.  
“Ash invited me over to play some video games.”  
“Carter! It’s like 3 in the freaking morning!”  
“Yeah, well, I’m in college and I can do what I want.” Carter said grinning at me in a joking manner.  
“Okay, first of all, don’t you DARE play that card with me. You and I both know you have a mental capacity of a freaking 2 year old. And Carter, mom always told you not to go on the roads this late at night. There could be drunk drivers or animals that could make you crash or something. Just wait until tomorrow morning please, for me.”  
“Beth, I want to go and I am almost positive there are no drunk drivers out there right now. We live on the most boring street in the United States of America and the only bar that is semi-close is 40 minutes away. I think I’m fine.” He turned and made his way to the door.  
“CARTER WAIT!” I jumped out of bed and grabbed some pink and purple fuzzy socks out of my drawer and grabbed my grey vans. I ran to catch up with Carter and when I made it to him he just rolled his eyes.  
“What are you doing? You should just go back to bed, Beth. I’ll be fine I promise you.”  
“No, I’m going with you.” I lifted my chin in the air as if to tell him that that was my final word and he said no more.  
We walked downstairs and Carter opened the door to leave.  
“Wait,” I said and looked behind me confused, “Who were you whispering to?”  
“I wasn’t.” Carter said looking at the ground.  
“I literally heard you. Who was it?” I asked starting to grin. Carter stayed silent.  
“Were you talking to yourself?” I asked him as my face broke out in a full on smile.  
“No.” Carter said sort of laughing at himself.  
“You were!” I said laughing as Carter walked out the door and I followed him, “Oh man, I live with a freak!” I jokingly elbowed him as we walked to the car.  
“It keeps me sane! If I didn’t talk to myself I would probably lose my mind!” Carter laughed as he got in the car.  
“Okay, sure…” I said sarcastically and got in after him.  
The drive over was slow and cold. I forgot a coat and Carter’s heater takes about 20 minutes to actually start spewing warm air. We didn’t run into any other cars thank goodness and we made it there in one piece.   
“Alright, come on.” Carter opened the door and started walking up to Ashton’s apartment.  
“I’m coming.” I replied when I snapped out of a little tired trance I was in.  
Carter waited for me to catch up and then we walked up together.   
“Wow these are the moments I live for,” I said taking a huge breath and looking up at the stars, “Cold, bored, tired, nights with my annoying older brother who doesn’t take into consideration other people’s feelings. Yep, this is great.”  
“Just shut up. If you didn’t want to come you shouldn’t have.” He said in a completely serious voice and walked a little further ahead of me. I felt angry and sad at the same time. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes but I immediately stopped thinking about them in order to stop. My heart sunk as we stood in front of Ashton’s door and waited for him to come open it.   
‘Stop being so freaking sensitive, Beth. It’s your fault you feel like this. You’re the one who made him angry. Just suck it up. Suck it up.’ Just then Ashton answered the door.  
“Hey guys, come on in.” He said quietly with his signature smile.  
“Why are you being so quiet?” Carter asked matching his pitch.  
“Luke is on the phone with his girlfriend.”  
‘Girlfriend?’ I thought.  
“Girlfriend?” Asked Carter, taking the words out of my mouth as we walked into Ash’s house.  
‘Girlfriend. Oh.’  
“Yeah, she calls him, like, every night. It’s pretty cool of her I guess, but with all the time zone differences sometimes it gets kind of annoying.” Ashton said leading us into his apartment and throwing us both a bottle of water. I almost didn’t catch mine and my heart skipped a beat when it slipped out of my right hand, but my left hand swooped in and caught it. I secretly applauded myself and I sat down on the empty chair in between Michael and Calum who were playing a video game.  
“She doesn’t accommodate to the time schedule Luke is on?” I found myself saying.  
“Not really at all. She kind of just calls at whatever time is convenient for her.” Calum said joining the conversation. My heart fluttered. He actually listened to what I just said... Wow.  
“Come on guys,” Michael chimed in, “you’re making her seem like she’s really annoying. She is actually pretty cool. I mean, she likes all the stuff that we like, she’s hot, and she’s into our music.”  
I furrowed my brow in confusion. Their music? They must be talking about stuff they listen to. I mean, I’m not gonna ask of course, but I can still wonder I guess.  
Luke walked into the room and let out a huge sigh.  
“There he is! Haven’t seen your face in about 4 hours! How’s Caitlyn?” Ashton asked and slapped Luke on the back in a friendly manner. Luke laughed and sat on the couch bending his right knee up to his chest and leaving the other on the ground. He leaned his chin on his knee and started scrolling through stuff on his phone.  
“She’s pretty good I guess. She wants to come and visit me here in America, but I told her that she shouldn’t considering her money situation… By the way, Hey Carter.” Although Ashton probably didn’t want me to see, he opened his eyes wide at Luke to get his attention and once he did, nodded his head toward me. He mouthed my name to Luke too. Oh gosh, I could feel my face turning red. Stop. Stop. Luke moved his head around Michael sitting in his line of vision and grinned at me.  
“Beth! I didn’t see you! Hey!” I smiled shyly and waved really awkwardly. Oh good God. I can’t go anywhere with myself.  
“Luke, you should totally have Caitlyn visit. That would be totally cool and she could stay here with us and it would be cool and yeah.” Calum said with a childish grin on his face. Luke laughed, ran over to Calum, and jumped on him.  
“Oh good Lord.” I whispered as they playfully wrestled. I felt like I was just in the way of everything so I scrunched up my legs to my chest until it hurt. I was almost too tired to care, though. I could barely keep my eyes open. The only thing that was keeping my eyes open was something I was annoyed with, but I couldn’t quite figure out what I was annoyed at. It wasn’t any of the boys or the way I was sitting, but it was really plaguing my mind. Michael poked me lightly on the arm and I suddenly looked up to find him smiling friendly at me from the chair beside me. I tried to smile back, but my face turned red so I looked down at his hand that was still on my arm. I didn’t looked up, but I heard him say something to me.  
“Beth, you look pretty tired and all these boys are kind of annoying, huh?” I looked back up at him with my mouth wide open.   
‘BETH CLOSE YOUR FREAKING MOUTH, YOU IDIOT.’ My brain screamed at me and I closed my mouth so quickly I bit my tongue. I made a face and Michael laughed.  
“You alright?” He asked. I didn’t want to look at him because I was afraid I would start to notice things. By that, I mean whenever there is someone you first meet you always remember a certain feature of them. It doesn’t matter if it’s their eyes, ears, nose, clammy hands, hair, smile, or bald head. It doesn’t matter. You remember at least ONE thing about the person to help your brain distinguish who they are and why they are in your life in that one very moment. For me, whenever I start noticing things about someone the more I think about them. The more I think about them, the more I think about the several ways we are incompatible with each other. This then makes me think that I’m not good enough to be seen with this certain person and whenever I am, my face turns red. Doesn’t matter if it’s a girl or a guy. It just happens like that. If I become super close to the person, then nothing happens because I’ve become used to their features and imperfections. I know that if this person has stayed by my side for this long, they must not care about all my imperfections, so I guess you can say I forget about theirs.  
“Beth?” Michael tilted his head to try and search for my eyes.   
“Yeah, sorry. I just zoned out.”   
“Hey, do you want to just go into my room and shut the door so you can just go back to sleep?”  
‘Oh my gosh,’ I thought my eyes wide open, ‘he’s making a pass at you. Oh, shut up, Beth, you don’t even know what a pass is. Wait, do I? No. Maybe? No, I don’t.’  
“Yeah Beth,” Ash said with his eyes fixed on the video game on the screen, “you can just rest in there where no one will bother you. Just go grab a blanket from my room and drag it into Michael’s. I would let you sleep in mine, but it’s pretty messy at the moment. My Mum brought over a bunch of boxes full of dishes and crap that I really don’t need, but I didn’t want to tell her.”  
I looked over at Carter for approval and he smiled a bit at me.  
“Okay,” I said as I got up from the couch, “thanks guys.”  
I walked down the hallway and looked into the first room which I knew was Ashton’s. I walked in and stole a giant navy blue blanket from the bed. I wrapped it around myself and walked further down the hall. I passed the bathroom and saw another door and I looked in. Then I looked into the room next to that room.   
‘Oh gosh… Which room is Michael’s?’ I thought to myself as I looked back and forth from room to room. I quickly walked down the hall and looked at the guys in the living room. They were still messing around and probably waking up the neighbors with how loud they were. I almost tried to speak, but my heart started beating faster and faster. I didn’t want them to think I was being annoying so I just walked back down the hallway and leaned against the wall to get a good look of both of the rooms. One of them was kind of messy around a suit case on the floor and the other had no sign of clothes or anything on the floor. The clean room had two beds in it and I thought back to what Michael had said. He never said anything about sharing a room, so the one with one bed must be his! There! Problem solved.   
I walked into the room with one bed and immediately lied down on the bed. It was unmade so I was just sleeping on the bed sheet with the comforter rolled out at the right of me. Ashton’s blanket was really heavy and I was having problems keeping it up and over me. Eventually I started to drift off to sleep. I was probably mostly asleep when a figure came into the room. It stopped in the door frame and then walked into the room grabbing something out of the suit case on the floor. Then it turned to walk out the door and suddenly stopped. It turned again, but this time toward me and then I felt a warm blanket being pulled up to my chin and then another one. It was gently too, so it didn’t scare me or make me feel any less relaxed than I already was. As the figure walked out I felt a little breeze and heard the door close quietly. Whoever it was left a crack in the door so I could still see the light from the living room which kept me assured that at least someone was out there. My heart beat slowed until it seemed to be the only thing making noise in the room. Right before I blacked out I remembered seeing a guitar case in the corner of the room which seemed a little familiar. Then I reality became a dream and the room in which I was sleeping became a non-entity.  
I dreamed I was in the air, flying maybe. I was in the clouds and I couldn’t see the ground. Although I felt free, I still felt a little on edge. The clouds that were miles ahead of me were dark, dark blue and black. I saw a flash of lightning in the giant wall and tried to stop my path of flight. I flailed my arms and legs and spun and twisted every way that I thought possible, but I kept on going straight into the cloud. It suddenly dawned on me that I was in a passenger airplane with no passengers on it except me. My seatbelt was strapped on too tight and every time I tried to pull it off it just became tighter and tighter, so I stopped and sat still. I watched out the window when the plane suddenly broke through the wall of clouds and into darkness. A flash of lightning here and there reminded me that I was still conscious. My heart was beating a million beats per second, but I somehow forced myself to stay still. The plane hit a pocket of air and the contents that were on the ground, like paper and bags, flew up and hit the roof. I shut my eyes as it happened and felt the seatbelt hug tighter. We hit another air pocket, then another, another. By this time I was holding onto the seat in front of me and the seat I was sitting in with all my might. I screamed out for help, but no one came and I’m sure no one heard.   
The plane then took a sharp turn and soon it was completely sideways. I grabbed onto the armrest of the seat next to me and pushed my body up to the seats as tight as I could. I could feel the plane turning more and more until it was upside down. I couldn’t even scream. I couldn’t feel my heart or anything in my body. I was completely numb. I let go of the seats and just hung there my arms swinging back and forth above me. The seatbelt still hugged tight to me and wouldn’t let me go. We hit another air pocket and my body flung against the side of the plane. I was sure that my side was bleeding by now because of the seatbelt. By the time we made it out of the dark clouds and were in clear skies, the plane was now just gliding through the air. I couldn’t hear an engine going and the scary part of it was, I could hear the screaming wind from outside.   
Right when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I heard a cracking noise. The windows.   
“Oh, God,” I screamed at the top of my lungs, “JUST KILL ME RIGHT NOW!” I could feel hot tears running up on my forehead and through my hair.  
“Come on you COWARD! Kill me! Do it!” I screamed again.  
Through the blur of my tears in my eyes I saw blue out the window. I figured we were over the ocean which made matters ten thousand times worse. We were gliding pretty quickly and I figured we had only a couple minutes before we hit the water at speeds close to 500 miles per hour. I shut my eyes as the windows gave in and air streamed into the plane. My ears bled from the wind screaming at me and blowing my ear drums out. I screamed again, but as I did the sound cut out and I couldn’t hear my scream or the wind. Everything was completely silent.  
The plane then hit the water. I felt a jolt and my head hit the seat in front of me almost knocking me out, but not quite finishing the job. Then a rush of water came flowing in, gallons and gallons at a time. I struggled to get out of the seatbelt, but again it hugged tighter, cutting off the circulation to my legs. I looked back at the water and back at my seatbelt realizing that I should make the last few seconds of my life on Earth seem somewhat okay. I took a giant breath of air as the dark blue water engulfed me.  
When I opened my eyes I couldn’t see much. The plane had flipped over finally, of course. Just my freaking luck. It sunk further and further into the ocean and I sunk with it. My lungs were burning and the pressure I felt in my ears was almost unbearable. I felt the seatbelt unclick and let me go. Almost immediately I swam out the window and into the mysterious waters.  
I swam upwards with all my might. I kept getting weaker and weaker as time went on and I stopped swimming. I just decided to give up and the weird thing was, I was oddly okay with that. I just watched in silence as the sunrays in the water moved slowly side to side and then disappeared into the dark. It was peaceful and relaxing. Well, you know, as peaceful and relaxing as dying can be.   
I saw a figure start to come my way from the right of me. It was completely black. Too big to be a shark or a whale. It was almost as if a wall of night was coming sweep me out of the way. Right when the wall got to me, it stopped. There it was almost waiting for me to say something to it or make a move or something. After a couple seconds of it sitting there, another figure started coming my way within the black wall. This figure was a shade of black I had never quite seen before. It seemed to be wearing a hood and in its wake, left black material flowing behind it for several feet. Once it reached me, it lifted a hand and grabbed mine. My body spun slowly in the water until I faced the figure.   
It didn’t speak, but I knew. Its hood covered its face and for some reason I became somewhat angry. I wanted Death to face me and at least take me for a worthy opponent. Although I should have been, I wasn’t scared. It almost felt as if I had met Death a thousand times before, but never quite got this close to him.  
‘Face me, god damn it.’ I thought calmly.  
It didn’t move its head at all and just stayed still.  
‘Face me.’ I thought again.  
He then slowly brought his face up, his hood moved and a flash of white light blinded me. I closed my eyes and as I did, I heard a huge screeching noise even though I couldn’t even hear. I opened my eyes one more time and saw a flash of light, but then everything went black.

I woke up quickly. I was breathing abnormally fast and I sat up at record speeds. I looked around at my surroundings. I saw white walls and green blinds that blocked out most of the light of day. I looked down and saw a white comforter that was covering the navy blue blanket that I had wrapped around me last night. Then I remembered that a person had come into the room last night and pulled the comforter up to my chin.   
‘Hm… Oh well.’ I thought as I stepped down off the bed.  
As I started to walk out of the room I remembered: The guitar… Not just ‘The guitar,’ it is Luke’s guitar that I saw in the airport. It’s in this room.   
‘Oh, no. Did I sleep in Luke’s room?’ I thought and looked at the suit case that was in the room. Its contents included some black converse and vans. It also had some bro tank looking things and some black t-shirts. Some black skinny jeans were in there too, but that wasn’t gonna tell me anything considering all the guys wore black skinny jeans. In the closet there were a couple of hats and there was a grey hoodie hanging up.  
‘Okay,’ I thought, ‘Just don’t say anything about it to the guys. They probably didn’t even notice.’ I took a deep breath and walked out of the room and into the living room.  
All of the guys were sleeping on the couches and on the floor. I didn’t see Luke anywhere, though, which is good. I could just get out of here without him saying anything to me about sleeping in his room and without me making a fool out of myself. I smiled to myself and walked into the kitchen to make some breakfast quickly and quietly. I looked at the clock: 12:40 p.m.   
‘Geez. It’s a little late.’ I thought as I grabbed the cereal from the cupboard. I poured it into a bowl as quietly as I could because I didn’t want to wake anybody up. Once I finished pouring I grabbed some milk and started to pour that too. A little bit came out, but then a huge chunk plopped onto the cereal and splashed a little milk on me.  
“Oh God!” I accidentally said out loud. I quickly covered my mouth and looked into the living room to make sure I hadn’t woken anyone up. Calum turned the other way on the couch he was sleeping on, sighed, and then started to quietly snore again. I sighed in relief.  
“That’s disgusting, Ashton. Clean out your refrigerator once and a while for God’s sake. You have spoiled milk.” I whispered to myself.  
I threw the cereal away and poured myself another bowl. I figured maybe water would do the trick so I put some water into the bowl. I sat at the counter and was about to eat a spoonful when the door opened. Luke looked at me and smiled slightly as he closed the door quietly behind him.  
“Hey.” He whispered as he took off his coat and beanie, threw them on the floor, and opened the fridge to get something to eat.  
“Hi.” I said quietly. For some reason my stomach did flip flops and I couldn’t stop examining what he was doing. He bent down and started rummaging around in the fridge. His black and white t-shirt went up a little as he bent down and I could see a little bit of his underwear. My heart started beating faster and I looked down at my feet embarrassed, my face turning scarlet red. Luke stood up again and put some left over pizza on the counter next to me. He sat down and started eating quietly. I just sat there looking at him for a minute and when I decided it was okay, I took a spoonful of my cereal and was about to eat it when Luke looked over at me. I looked up at him and froze, my mouth wide open and the spoon of cereal shaking in my hand. He chuckled and looked into my bowl. I set my spoon back in my bowl and watched him. He looked back at me with an amused grin on his face.   
“So… You eat your cereal with… Water?” He asked. I looked at my cereal and then back to him and smiled a little.  
“Uh, no. It’s actually a funny story. The milk was bad and I needed SOMETHING in my cereal so I decided water might suffice. So I guess now I’m eating my cereal with water.” I replied frowning jokingly. He laughed and I saw a hint of his dimple. My heart fluttered and I looked down because my face turned red.  
“Do you want to go get some milk?” He asked me as he searched for my eyes. I turned red again as he searched.  
“Uh… N-no. No, it’s fine. Water is fine, I mean. I’m good.” I said smiling nervously at him. I really kinda did want milk, though… He kept looking at me and then he grabbed my bowl from me. He put it in the sink and then leaned against the counter. He smiled at me.  
“Let’s go, grab your coat.” He walked over to the door and held it open waiting for me. I got off the stool and walked over to the door.  
“Don’t you have a coat?” He asked as we walked out the door.  
“No, I didn’t have time to get one when Carter and I left the house last night. Plus I mean, it’s not that cold. I can handle it.” I answered and started walking down the stairs. He gently grabbed my shirt which caused me to stop and turn to face him.   
“Hang on,” He said as he turned around, “I’ll be right back!”  
I stood there for a second processing. Then I heard Luke from inside the apartment he started talking to me, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying.  
“What?” I yelled and furrowed my eyebrows. He mumbled something again, but he completely stopped talking for a split second and then I heart a huge thump. It was silent for a second and then I heard a moan. I started giggling guessing at what might have happened.   
“Luke, are you alright?” I asked him with an amused smile on my face.  
“God dammit,” I heard him mutter, “Yeah, Beth, I’m fine!” He walked out of the apartment holding the grey hoodie I saw hanging in the closet of the room I was sleeping in this morning.   
‘Oh, Gosh. It was his freaking room.’ I thought and mentally face palmed.  
I still had a smile on my face and then he started smiling once he saw.   
“Are you laughing at me?” He asked laughing as he handed me the hoodie and shoved me gently.  
“No,” I said and then became distracted, “its fine, Luke. I’ll be fine. I don’t need a sweatshirt.” He didn’t take it back though.  
“I know you’ll be fine, but it’s cold. You should have a jacket or something. Besides, it’s starting to snow.” He said looking up at the sky. I started to grab it, hesitated, and then grabbed it and put it on. The smell of it was nice, but I immediately stopped thinking about it because I felt it was weird to be thinking about. I looked down at myself and how the hoodie went down to almost my knees. I mean, I’m only 5’3” and he was like a freaking redwood tree. I laughed at how it looked on me.  
“Oh gosh. I look like a marshmallow.”   
“Naw, marshmallows are white and fat.” He replied. My heart skipped a beat and I laughed.  
“Uh, thanks,” I said quietly and hugged myself to keep warm, “for the hoodie.”  
“No problem.” He beamed.  
We walked down to the store at the end of the block in silence. It was uncomfortable to me, but when I looked at him he seemed to be enjoying the silence. I let him be and tried to concentrate on my own thoughts. Thankfully the store wasn’t that far away and we made it there in a matter of minutes. Once we got there and walked in we went right for the dairy isle. I opened the glass refrigerator and held it open while Luke looked for the right kind of milk to get.  
“Why are we even shopping for Ashton?” Luke asked still examining the milks.  
“I don’t know. So he doesn’t kill himself or give himself milk poisoning.” I answered as I leaned against the door. Luke laughed.  
“Should we get him some skim, 1 percent, 2 percent, or maybe chocolate? Oh man, we should get chocolate. What do you think? I mean, it’s going in your cereal… Speaking of, do you want to get something to eat while we’re out?”  
“Uh, to answer your first question: Yes, most definitely. To answer your second question: I really don’t need to. I’ll be fine.” After I said this Luke just looked at me. I moved my eyes around the room and then looked at him. I smiled in an impatient manner.  
“Um.. I don’t mean to rush you, but are you gonna grab some milk?”  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m going. So chocolate?”   
“Uh, if that’s what you want.”  
“Thankfully it is.” Luke said grabbing the milk and reaching into his pocket until eventually he found his sunglasses. He put them on and then looked at me in a dramatic sort of way. My face turned red and I giggled. He then looked forward again and started walking in a “model down the runway” sort of way.   
“Let’s jump this joint!” He yelled way too loud as he walked away. I laughed and followed him.   
We bought the milk and then we left the store. Luke decided he wanted to get something to drink so we walked into a little coffee shop next door to the store we were just in. Almost no one was in it which was good. I didn’t want to deal with people watching me at all. I know they would stare at me because of how I was dressed.   
“What do you want, Beth?” Luke asked when we walked in.  
“Oh, I don’t want anything, thanks though.” I answered and went to find a table as he went to order. Once I sat down I watched him. I know it sounds weird, but I didn’t mean it to be weird. I was just observing how he did things. I figured if he is gonna be in my life for some time, I might as well get to know him and his ways. I noticed how he stood; somewhat confident, but not overbearing. How he talked; quiet, but not so quiet it seemed as if he had no confidence. How he moved; clumsy, but probably not as clumsy as me. Right when I thought that he knocked over a napkin holder and it hit the ground with a loud bang. The store clerk guy didn’t look amused, but I started giggling and Luke looked at me as he picked it up and made a funny face.   
‘Oh God,” I thought as I fiddled with my hands and watched him, ‘He’s… Perfect.’   
Luke grabbed the stuff he ordered and walked over to the table. He set a drink down in front of me.  
“One hot chocolate for you,” I watched as he set it down and I started to object, but he cut me off, “And one hot chocolate with whipped cream for me. I would have got you whipped cream on yours, but since you didn’t ask for anything I decided maybe I shouldn’t get to fancy with it.”  
“Luke, thank you. It’s perf- great. Really, it’s great. Thank you. You really didn’t need to do this for me. I uh,” I said quietly, “kinda feel like a burden.”  
“You’re definitely not a burden, Beth,” he paused and looked at me sincerely, “You shouldn’t ever think of yourself as that.”  
I looked up at him. He smiled slightly and then took a sip of his hot chocolate. I followed his example and took a sip of mine. As soon as I did, I regretted it. It tasted like freaking butthole in a cup. Tasty. Luke put his cup down and then started coughing.  
“Oh, geez.” He said.  
“This is great.” I said laughing quietly. He moved his cup to the side and made a face filled with disgust.   
“Beth,” Luke said with an amused smile on his face, “I honestly advise you not to drink anymore of that. He probably poisoned it because I knocked over the napkin dispenser thing. Don’t do it! It’s a trap!” I laughed at him and I moved my cup over to the side.  
“So,” He said leaning back against the chair, “how was your sleep?”  
“Ah.. About that. I’m really sorry. Last night I didn’t really realize that it was your room and I just fell asleep and I was way too tired my brain wasn’t working properly or some-“  
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Beth. It’s fine. I don’t need an apology. I was just generally curious as to how your sleep was.”  
“Oh, well… It was interesting… Thanks for being… Curious I think? Why do you ask?”  
“Your eyes… You just look exhausted.” After he said this I covered my eyes and started rubbing them.  
“Sorry, I just… Had a bad dream kinda.”   
“Oh… About what?”  
“Um… An airplane crashing.”  
“Wow. That’ll do it to ya.”   
I chuckled. “Yeah, I guess it will.”  
Luke looked at the table and fiddled with his hands for a minute.   
“Do you wanna talk more about it? I mean, we have all the time in the world.”  
“Luke?” I asked.  
“Yes?”  
“I don’t really mean to offend you, but I’m just really, really confused as to why you care so much about me and my life… Sorry, that sounded really rude… I take it back. I’m sorry.” I looked at the ground mortified. Luke just sat there for a minute and then spoke to me quietly with a genuine look in his eye:  
“I’m just really interested in you, not gonna lie. And for some really odd reason I feel like… Like I’ve met you before sometime, you know? Not any time in the world we live in now, but… Oh man, this is starting to sound really weird… Sorry, I’ll just stop talking now.” He laughed nervously, blushed, and moved around in his seat a little too much if you ask me. I waited for a couple minutes in silence. I was confused to the point where I was almost sure I was mad, but I didn’t display any signs of madness. Well, maybe I’ve always been mad but never quite realized it until the proper scenario showed itself. I took a big breath and looked right into Luke’s eyes to show him that I did, in fact, understand him. I wanted to change the subject for him because there are so many times in my life where I have been in his shoes and wished somebody had changed the subject for me. No one ever has, though, so I decided maybe it was time to do something people didn’t quite get the concept of.  
“I was alone in the airplane,” I started to tell him my dream, “and I had this, this seatbelt type thing that was on way too tight. I could barely breathe and if I even moved, it would wrap itself tighter.” Luke leaned forward in fascination. I took another deep breath and continued.  
“At first I thought I was flying by myself, you know, I was doing all the work myself. Then I saw the airplane window. Anyway, we started to fly into a huge wall of black thunderclouds. The plane ended up turning upside down and that left me to hang upside down in my chair. The windows… They broke and the wind that rushed in blew my eardrums out. I couldn’t hear anything after that. And you know in dreams you can hear stuff. I mean, you don’t think about it at all, but you can hear things. This dream was different because I was fully aware that I couldn’t hear anything at all… It was eerily silent as everything around me went to-“  
Luke interrupted to finish my sentence. “Shit?”  
“Uh, yeah, I guess… Went to… Crap… Anyway, we ended up landing in the ocean and all the water flooded the plane. The seatbelt, which had now caused me to bleed because it was wrapped so tight, suddenly unlatched itself from me.”  
“And all this time, you couldn’t hear anything?” Luke asked.  
“Yeah. So then I swam out of the plane and into the water. It was strangely peaceful, the water. I just watched the sunrays dance in the water and relaxed. I knew I wasn’t gonna make it to the surface, so I uh… Let death take its course. You know, the scary thing was, I wasn’t even afraid. I was calmer than I have been in all my life. Who isn’t scared when faced with death?”  
“Apparently not you.” Luke said quietly as he leaned back in his chair.  
“I guess not… And then, something else happened…” I paused trying to decide whether or not I should tell him.  
“What was it?”   
“A uh… Wall of… Well, this is gonna sound really stupid when I tell you, but a wall of night I think showed up right next to me and just sat there. It cut the space between me and the ocean to my right off. Then a figure of some sort came and held my hand. It was so dark, yet so light at the same time… I’m having a hard time explaining it, but just know that in my mind, it would be the figure I would associate Death with.” I looked up at Luke to see if he was laughing at my stupidity yet, but he looked earnest, so I continued.  
“I yelled at it. I mean, what a great idea, I know. I started yelling at freaking Death. I told him to show his face. I wanted to know who was taking me away, you know. I didn’t want just another stupid death. I wanted to be known as the one, even if just by myself, who stood up to Death and stared him right in the face. That sounds more like me… So anyway, he started to look at me and his eyes… His eyes were white. They pretty much blinded me, but when I saw them I felt so… Safe and… Happy. Right then and there I knew what happiness was and how it really was supposed to feel.”  
“So you’re gonna suffer, but you’re gonna be happy about it,” Luke quoted Ron from Harry Potter which made me giggle.  
“I guess. But, yeah. And then I woke up.”  
“Wow.” Luke said and ran his hand through his hair.  
“I know.” I said and took a sip of my hot chocolate forgetting how horrible it was and then making a face.  
“That’s pretty deep coming from a girl who has a great life.”  
I immediately felt a pang of anger. Why would he even begin to think my life was great? He didn’t even freaking know me. I mean, I understand where he is coming from. He means that I live in a good home with a good family with food on my plate and a smile on my face. But just because my surroundings are good does not mean my whole life is freaking “good.”   
“Yeah,” I said finally trying to conceal my annoyance, “I guess my life is pretty good.”  
“You know, I heard once from… I don’t even remember. Maybe a book, that dreams about death usually mean you are trying to move on with your life and leave the bad, shitty, life you had behind you. Move on to a new chapter.”  
“What did the light mean? You know, the one that made me so happy?”  
“Maybe you have a light in your life that makes you truly happy. You know, makes you feel like you are safe and that everything is going to be okay.”  
I thought for a moment about someone in my life that I may find to be my light. “I don’t think I have a light. Don’t get me wrong, some things make me pretty happy, but not as happy as I felt in that moment.”  
“Maybe the happiness is trying to show itself but you keep, you know, waking up before it can.”  
I sighed. “Metaphors are confusing.”  
“Yeah they are, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon. Just stop… Waking up,” Luke smiled and stood up, “You ready to go?”  
“Uh, yeah.” I stood up to follow him and right when I did he turned toward me causing us to be closer than I felt comfortable. His face was so close I could see the different shades of blue in his eyes. I shivered and made a weird moan sound and stepped back probably a foot. I hugged my arms and looked the floor.  
“Sorry.” I mumbled as I closed my eyes in some sort of shame. Luke chuckled.  
“It was my fault. You don’t need to be sorry. I just turned around to say thanks.”  
“Thanks?”  
“For telling me your dream.”  
“Oh, yeah. I just thought I should tell someone.”  
“I’m glad you told me. I feel honored.” He smiled cheekily. I giggled.  
“I’m glad you feel honored.” I said dramatically. He laughed and I blushed a little, but just a little. Maybe I’m starting to get this whole not blushing thing down.  
“Let’s go.” Luke put his hand on my back to guide me out of the coffee shop and my face turned scarlet red. Maybe I’m not.  
As we walked back to Ashton’s, we talked about lots of things. I told him I had a dog named Kili and he told me his dog’s name is Molly. He also told me about his life in Australia and how he has two brothers. I liked listening to him talk, so I just let him talk as much as he wanted. When he would stop, I would ask him another question and he’d be off again. He talked all the way to Ashton’s apartment and when we got to the door he stopped.   
“This was fun,” Luke said and smiled a little. I laughed at how cliché that line was to myself and decided to go along with it.  
“Yeah… We should do it again,” This time I laughed out loud at how cliché I sounded. He laughed a little with me out of confusion.  
“Yeah… Yeah, we should. By the way, you never texted me. I gave you my number for a reason.”   
“Yeah, I know. I just didn’t know what to say.”  
“Say anything, really. I have this habit of just saying anything that’s on my mind. You should try it. It’s actually pretty fun.”   
I laughed. “Yeah, okay. Maybe I will sometime.”  
“Good.” He looked at me for a minute in silence, looked away, and then opened the door.  
“WE’RE HOME! I KNOW YOU MISSED US! Oh, and we come bearing gifts!” Luke held up the milk as he walked in to the boys sitting at the counter.  
“Ooo! Welcome back, you guys! You were gone pretty long for just getting some milk.” Calum moved his eyebrows up and down in a joking manner. I blushed and looked down at the floor. Luke laughed and set the milk on the counter.  
“Chocolate?” Michael asked smiling.  
“What can we say, we like to live on the wild side of life.” Luke said a little over dramatic. They all laughed and Luke looked proud of himself.  
“Beth, are you ready to go home?” I heard Carter ask as he walked out from the hallway.  
“Uh, yeah,” I said and immediately started putting on my shoes.  
“Aw! Cart’s leaving! Cart don’t leave!” Calum said getting up and hugging Carter like a little kid, “We love you!” Michael followed Calum example and hugged Carter, then Ashton followed, then Luke. Carter and all the guys laughed when they all fell down on the ground from all the weight that had been added to the group hug. I stood there awkwardly and just watched them.  
“Guys I gotta go! Beth has school tomorrow and I have to take a shower. I smell like fucking shit.” Carter said. I mentally corrected his language: fudging crap. I smiled to myself.  
“You have school tomorrow?” I heard Calum ask.  
“Uh, yeah. Kinda sucks.” I answered him quietly.  
“Yeah, it really does. Maybe we can visit you in school! Guys we should go to the school!”  
“Uh, no, that’s oka-“ Michael cut me off.  
“Yes! Let’s do it!”  
‘Oh dear.’ I thought to myself.  
Carter got up and put his shoes on. He grabbed his coat from the floor and opened the door.  
“See you guys tomorrow probably.” Carter yelled as he walked out the door. I followed him.  
“Bye!” All of the guys yelled from inside, “We love you!” I giggled to myself as Carter shook his head. As I walked out I looked down to see if my shoes were tied so I wouldn’t trip down the stairs (a scenario like that happened once, but that is another story for another day) and I remembered the grey hoodie I was wearing.   
‘Oh crap!’ I thought to myself and turned around, ‘Luke’s hoodie!’  
Calum was in the process of shutting the door when I ran up and said Luke’s name. Calum opened the door again.  
“Hey, didn’t we just get rid of you?” Calum joked. I laughed.  
“Not quite yet, sorry.” I said taking off the hoodie.  
“Beth?” Luke asked coming back to the door.  
“Hey!” I said a little too loud and Luke laughed, “I mean, hey I forgot to give you your hoodie back.”  
“Oh, thanks.” He grabbed it and I heard the guys behind him laughing a bit and whispering.  
“You’re welcome.” I smiled and turned to walk away.  
“See you tomorrow, yeah?”  
“Oh,” I turned back around and looked back inside to the guys. They were all nodding and smiling at me. “I guess I will.”  
“Good,” Luke smiled, “see ya.”  
“See ya.” I said and with that Luke shut the door. Right when he shut it I heard muffled whistles of the guys and a bunch of ooo’s. I smiled to myself as I stood there.  
“Beth!” I heard Carter from down in the parking lot, “Let’s go!”  
“Coming!” I yelled and ran down the stairs to the car. I swear I haven’t smiled as wide as I was smiling in that moment in a long time. I was actually looking forward to tomorrow. And the weird thing was, I never look forward to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh! I'm pretty proud of this chapter. I really hope you like it! :) Thank you to anyone who is reading! I really appreciate it!


	7. It's a Prison People Mistake for a Lifesaver

“Beth. Beth, honey, wake up.” I heard my Dad’s voice.  
“Dad?” I questioned and sat up. I squinted my eyes because of the light that was on in my room.  
“Yeah, it’s me. You should think about getting up for school.” Dad walked in and sat on my bed next to me.  
“Dad, could you, like, turn the light off? My eyes are burning.” I covered my head with my blankets and held my hand out trying to find Dad’s hand. I finally found it and held on to it.  
“How have you been, Beth?” Dad asked me as he tried to pull the blanked off of my head.  
“Good,” I muttered, “How was your trip?”  
“Long, but it was nice to have time away from my annoying kids.” Dad laughed.  
“Rude.”  
“No, just kidding, Mom and I missed you.”  
“Missed you too, Dad.” After a while of lying there I finally sat up and gave him a hug, squinting my eyes at the light again. I never did like the overhead light. It was pretty much only turned on when it was time to wake up for school and when it was turned on any other time, it was a rare occasion. Pretty much that light reminds me of school and waking up and being tired. So naturally, I hated the light and wanted it taken out of my room. This couldn’t be done though without taking a chunk of ceiling with it so Dad wouldn’t let me take it out.  
“Time for school, Bumble Bee, get up!” Dad sat up and walked out of the room shutting the light off. I sat on my bed for a while just staring at the door in which he left and then collapsed back on my bed. I crawled back into my blankets and ended up falling back to sleep. It only felt like a couple of minutes, but I ended up waking back up quickly, thus hitting my head on my shelf, and realizing it was 7:50 A.M. School starts at 8:15 A.M.  
“CRAP!” I yelled out loud and rushed to my dresser. I grabbed a pair of skinny jeans and a grey sweatshirt with my grey Vans. I changed quickly and brushed my hair.   
‘It’s just gonna have to be straight today,’ I thought, ‘Nothing special.’   
When I finished brushing my hair I ran downstairs and grabbed a health bar and then ran out to my Dad’s car where he was waiting. I jumped in the already started car and my Dad started driving.  
“Cuttin’ it kinda’ close, huh?” He asked me chuckling.   
“Yeah, I fell back to sleep, sorry.” I answered him exhausted.  
“Maybe I’m gonna have to keep that light on in the mornings.”  
“No! Anything but that, Dad, please.”  
“We’ll see.” Dad joked. I grinned and hit him on the arm.  
The drive to school from my house is only about ten minutes. On the drive there I pretty much have a personal routine. I eat my breakfast quickly and then I put in a piece of gum. I hold onto my backpack as I mentally prepare myself for the worst. Once the school is in view, my heart begins to beat harder. I never quite remember how it was at school the last time I was there and it’s like I am restarting the first day of school all over again. My heart beats harder, I feel like I want to cry, I feel like everything in my body is telling me no. I hate the ride to school, but that is nothing compared to the walk in.  
“Alright Bumble Bee,” Dad said as we drove into the drop off zone in the school parking lot, “Here ya go. I’ll see you after school, okay?”  
“Dad,” I said quietly watching the people walk into the high school, “You just drove me to the Gates of Hell… I wanna go home.”  
“You say that every day, sweetheart. It’ll be okay. I’ll see you after school, yeah?”  
I nodded, “Yeah, see ya Dad,” I opened the door hesitantly, got out of the car, and watched as Dad drove away from me. When he was gone I stood there for a minute and took a deep breath. After a minute, I started my walk to the school, my heart beating and my body screaming.  
Once I got into the school I went straight to my locker. I could feel people in the commons looking at me, probably because obviously they wanted to see who just showed up, but I still got nervous and walked faster. Once I got to my locker on the first floor, I put my backpack in and put all the books that I needed that day in order from first period to fifth period. Today we had all eight of our classes then tomorrow we only had four and the next day we had the other four. I didn’t like the schedule, but there was nothing I could do about it so I just did what I was supposed to and kept quiet.  
Once I finished organizing I looked around for my friends and once I realized they weren’t there, I walked to the bathroom and stayed in there a while. This is usually my morning routine when none of my friends are here, but sometimes when I walked into the bathroom there are two girls doing their makeup and talking about which guy they did it with during the break. I don’t want to judge or anything, but sometimes it really makes me uncomfortable so I just go to the bathroom, wash my hands, and leave. The girls weren’t here today so I just walked around the bathroom for a good 10 minutes, occasionally walking into a stall when someone would walk in.  
I ended up walking back out of the bathroom and looked at the group of lockers to my right and spotted my friend Mari’s blond hair. I walked over and leaned against the locker next to hers.   
“Hey, Beth!” She said with excitement.  
“Hey.” I said quietly.  
“How was your break?”   
I pondered this question for a moment. “Eventful.”  
“Good.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Yeah.”  
I waited for her to finish putting stuff in her locker. When she finally finished she told me she was going to go get some breakfast and I followed her considering none of my other friends were here. We walked in silence as we walked to the cafeteria. I really didn’t know what to say, but we both have this thing where we don’t really have to talk to each other. Just our company is okay.  
Now, before you are confused, let me explain myself a little. I want to make this perfectly clear: I do not have best friends. I do not hang out with my friends usually outside of school. I do not care to. I mean, if I were someone else looking in on my view of friends, I would probably hate myself, but it’s kinda how I live my life. My friends are people I can text and hang out with at school, but I wouldn’t trust them with my secrets or trust them with being there for me when I need some support. I wouldn’t have little slumber parties with them because I know they don’t think of me as a best friend either. I’m pretty much someone they can come talk to about their stupid problems and I’ll nod my head like a shrink and tell them stuff that makes them think they’re always right. Which is completely inaccurate most of the time. All of these girls are boy crazed and those people are my least favorite. I’m pretty much always there for them but it doesn’t go two ways. When a person like me can recognize that I am doing something better than another person than you know something is wrong. The only person I can stand hanging out with outside of school is Lauren, Ashton’s sister. She knew me well enough to know that on the weekends and just generally most of my time I like being by myself or with Carter and she accepted. She knew my boundaries and I respected her for that. She was a grade ahead of me, though, so I couldn’t exactly hang out with her in school.  
Mari grabbed some breakfast and we sat down at a cafeteria table while she ate. I held onto my books for my first period class and looked around. I saw people I knew, people I didn’t, people I hate, people I tolerate, and some others I didn’t know how to feel about. Eventually my eyes strayed to a guy with brown curly hair. I knew immediately who it was and I couldn’t stop staring. Marissa looked to where I was and she giggled.  
“Looking at Adrian again I see.”  
I looked down and blushed.   
“I love your crush on him,” Mari said as she started eating again, “You two would be so cute together. I wish you’d just go and talk to him already.”  
“I wish I could too.”  
Adrian was a junior and he was freaking gorgeous. I couldn’t even look at him without turning red.   
“Hey where are our other friends?” Mari asked looking around the room.  
“Probably at their lockers, but we don’t really have much time to go look. We should get to class.” I said getting up from the table.  
Mari and I went to first period and got through an hour and half of that. Then I got through second period and then it was time for lunch. I met up with my other friends; Abbie, Mari, Gabby, Hailey, Sadie, and Hailey’s boyfriend, Zain.  
We sat down in “our spot.” Well, at least my friends call it that. It’s just the spot that we always get to first because we always bring a lunch while most of the school bought a lunch from the school. Hailey and Zain were hanging off of each other not even talking to the rest of us, Abbie and Sadie were having a conversation in which no one else would understand because it happened during break when they were hanging out or something along the lines of that, Gabby was talking to Mari, and I guess you could say I was having a conversation with myself. I wouldn’t eat my lunch without looking around to see if anyone was watching. I couldn’t stand lunch at all. I felt like I was being watched from every angle and I had no way to cover up. The loud muffled voices around me slowly got louder and louder as I ate. I had a certain way of blocking them out, though. Pretty soon once you stop paying attention to the individual voices, it turns into white noise. This is how my daily routine goes. You could imagine how redundant it can get.   
I wanted to leave. I wanted to go and see what Carter and the guys were doing. I thought about it for a moment and all I could picture in my mind was them playing video games and watching movies. I smiled to myself as I thought. It seemed so… Comfortable. Where one could be themselves and where one wasn’t surrounded by fake friends. My heart beat faster when I thought back to what Calum said yesterday about coming to visit. Would they come? I didn’t really know and I didn’t want to get my hopes up at all. Usually my luck, or lack of it, fails me and something bad always happens when I’m happy. Just the thought of the guys in my school made me giggle. I could literally imagine the excitement on Ashton’s face when he found me in the sea of high school kids. He’d push some people over just to come and give me a hug. My heart fluttered.   
‘I hope they show up today.’ I thought as I looked around the cafeteria and then took a bite of my sandwich.  
Lunch ended pretty quickly which I was pretty thankful for considering no one made an effort to talk to me. I walked to my locker with the mob of people and grabbed my books. I waited for Haylie because we had a class together next.   
“Hey Beth!” Haylie said when she saw me.  
“Hi Haylie.” I replied smiling at her. Zain ended up walking over to Haylie and I immediately became a non-entity. Because of this, I started walking to class alone. I made it half way there when I realized I grabbed the wrong book.  
“God dang it.” I muttered under my breath as I made my way through people.   
I got back to my locker and quickly exchanged the book with the right one. As I got organized the bell rang. My heart started beating faster than usual and my breathing hitched. I shut my locker started running down the hall, something of which we were advised not to do. I ran past the science room and past Spanish. I ran up the stairs and just when I made it to the top, ran into someone leaving a classroom. My stuff flew all over the ground and I fell on the ground. The person I ran into hit the wall behind them, but didn’t fall at all. I felt like I wanted to throw up.  
“I am so sorry,” I apologized as I looked up and immediately regretted this action.  
I couldn’t stop myself from turning scarlet red, “I’m sorry, Adrian.”  
“God, watch where you’re going, sophomore.”   
“Yeah, I- I’m sorry. I am really, really, sorry.” I replied shakily trying to stop my tears from falling. I was now hurt in two places; my butt and my heart. Yuck, cheesy, but true.  
One of his friends walked out of the classroom and stood by Adrian. They both watched me as I picked up my stuff. I literally felt their eyes burning into me and I shook even more than I was already. I heard a whisper and then a laugh.   
‘Dear God, please just kill me. It would make me feel a whole lot better than how I feel right now.’ I thought as I picked up my last notebook.  
“Hey, you missed something.” Adrian’s friend said mockingly. I looked around me as I started stepping backward.  
“I-I don’t see anything else.” I muttered quietly.  
“What?” The friend insisted putting his hand up to his ear dramatically and laughing, “Speak up, green shirt, we can’t hear a word you’re saying.”  
I just stayed silent as they both looked at me. I couldn’t speak. He’s mocking me. He’s mocking me.   
‘He’s mocking you because you’re stupid, Beth,” I thought as I stood there, “You’re just stupid. If you were to fall down the flight of stairs right now, no one would care.’ I found myself leaning against the stair case.   
“Maybe,” Adrian said after a while of silence, “You should leave now.” His friend laughed as he looked me up and down while he sneered. I looked down at the ground in shame and fear. In my mind I knew I shouldn’t feel that way. I should have punched this kid right in the freaking balls, but I’m me. I could never do something to hurt someone else. It just wasn’t who I was.  
“Sorry.” I said as I walked away quickly. I could hear more laughs from their direction.  
I walked into the bathroom and started to cry. I cried because I was late for class and I didn’t know what to do, I cried because of Adrian, and I cried because I was alone, and I cried because I had no friends to tell me I was beautiful and that I shouldn’t take any of this to heart. I sat on the toilet seat in the stall and locked the door. I leaned my head against the stall wall and shut my eyes. I could feel my breathing start to pick up, but I refused to lose control.   
“You’re an idiot,” I whispered to myself, “No one likes you… Why do you think he was mocking you? Idiot…” I looked down at the ground and wiped at my eyes, “Idiot…”  
I stared at the bathroom stall and thought about things that made me happy. While I was thinking, the light above me started to flicker. I looked up and watched as it did so.  
‘Light,’ I squinted my eyes and looked back down, ‘my light.’  
I thought about this for a minute. My light. What did that even mean? Why did it come across my mind? After a while I began thinking about light and who I thought my light was. I mean, light is happy and I’m supposed to be thinking about happy things. I went through a list of people in my life and ended up stopping at Carter. The person who was always there for me in these situations. Carter… I took my phone out from my pocket and looked at the time. Class started 20 minutes ago. Carter and the guys still hadn’t shown up. And I was sitting in a bathroom crying. These things do not make me the happiest person in the world.  
“Beth Aaron, please come to the high school office. Beth Aaron.” I heard the intercom screech.  
I sat up and waited for I don’t even know what. The silence of the bathroom was more inviting to me than the sound of any place else. I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t go. I relaxed myself and leaned back against the wall.   
‘I’m staying here where it’s quiet. Where no one can see me. Where I am completely invisible because that’s where I feel the safest.’ I thought.  
After a while of sitting and listening to myself think, I heard a vibration sound. I looked down at my phone lying on my books on the ground and I picked it up. It was a text from Carter. I smiled and a weight seemed to lift off my shoulders.  
Carter: Where are you?  
Beth: Why?  
Carter: We are here to see you  
Beth: You are?  
Carter: Ya, didn’t you hear the office call your name?  
Beth: Yeah  
Carter: Are you alright?  
Beth: No.  
Carter: Where are you  
Beth: Bathroom upstairs.  
Carter: I’m coming.  
I waited for a couple minutes and then heard a knock on the door.  
“Beth?” I heard Carter’s voice, “Guys, this is really awkward. What if someone walks out of the classroom?” I walked over to the door and opened it slightly. I smiled when I saw him and then opened the door all the way. I immediately gave him a hug. I could feel some tears falling down my cheeks. I couldn’t really help it though, I was scared, sad, and happy all at the same time.  
“What’s wrong? Are you okay? Why are you in the bathroom?” Carter quaked.  
“I- I- I’m just,” I tried to get out my words between sobs, “I’m glad you’re here now.”  
“Beth, what’s wrong?” Carter looked at me sincerely.  
“Bad day.” That was all I could get out before my tears started to fall again. I wiped them away and smiled at Carter. I could feel my eyes droop and could only imagine how red and puffy they looked.  
“Do you want to call Dad and have him call the school so we can take you home?”  
I thought about all the homework I would need to make up tomorrow when I came back and how stressed I would eventually feel. My heart broke and I could literally feel myself trapped inside a jail.  
“I’ll have too much homework to make up.” I whispered. I felt a hand on my back that made me jump and then I saw Ashton.  
“Screw homework.” Ashton said and smiled down at me.  
“I can’t just say screw homework, though. It’ll come back tomorrow and bite me in the butt.”  
“We’ll help you finish it. For now you have to think about yourself, okay? We’ll take you home so you can relax and we’ll come back to this tomorrow.”  
“Okay…” I replied after a while.  
“Alright, I’ll go to the office and make sure Dad calls,” Carter said as he walked down the hall, “Can you guys take Beth to the car?”  
“Yeah.” Ashton said and put his arm around me to guide me out.   
I was so engrossed in my own well-being I didn’t even notice Michael, Calum, and Luke standing right behind us. They were all sort of glancing at me with worried expressions on their faces. When they all looked at me at the same time I smiled at little and waved. They smiled back and murmured a couple hellos. My heart fluttered when they did.   
When we got to the car Ashton opened the back door for me and after I jumped in, he went in after me. Michael squeezed in next to me and then Luke squeezed next to Michael. Calum got in the front of the car and turned on some music. The channel it was on was the classical music station. Calum looked back at us with wide eyes.  
“No way, this is my song!” He said excitedly which made me giggle. Calum saw me giggle and smiled sweetly at me. My face turned red and I looked past Ash out the window. Calum changed the station to some classic rock and they talked while we waited. I just listened to them talk. For some reason it made me feel at home and happy. As I listened I could see Luke out of my peripheral vision look over at me. I waited and waited for him to look away, but he wouldn’t. I looked over at him to see if that would make him look away and it did. He looked out his window and fidgeted with his hands.  
When Carter came back he got in the car and turned the music down quite a bit. Then he started the car and we were off. Slowly, of course, but at least we were off.   
When we made it home, Ash carried in my backpack that Carter had grabbed on his way out of the school. I felt bad that he was carrying it in, but he didn’t want me to do anything apparently. We all walked into the house and I went upstairs quickly to change into something comfortable. I grabbed some sweats and a t-shirt and quickly put them on. When I ran back downstairs all the guys were standing by the door still. I looked at them kind of confused.  
“Um, you all are welcome to come in.” I giggled as I gestured for them to come in.  
“We actually have to go meet up with some of our friends, but we’ll be back later to see how you’re doing.” Ash said with a guilty sort of look in his eye. My heart dropped, but I smiled.  
“Okay. Is Cart going with you?” I asked.  
“Yep,” Carter answered as he walked down the stairs with some new shoes on, “We’ll be back. Call me if you need something.” And with that, they all walked out the door and left me to listen to the silence.  
I stood there for what seemed like ages. After a while I could feel myself starting to feel angry. I walked into the kitchen and sat down. I thought back to school and what had happened.   
‘Adrian called me a sophomore, which is what I was, but it was condescending. Carter left me, Ashton left me, and I should be in school… I’m so weak. So, so weak. I’m an idiot. I deserved everything that came to me.’ I kept repeating this over and over in my mind as I paced back and forth in the kitchen. I stopped when I eyed the kitchen drawer I had sworn to myself I would keep away from. Who would’ve known that a single kitchen drawer would bring me to my knees in complete and utter weakness?  
I walked over and quickly opened the drawer. I looked around at all the knives that were in there. I never used the knife without ridges on the blade because I could barely feel it without the ridges. I grabbed the one I always used. My breathing sped up as I looked around in my house to make sure no one was there. My heart beat became faster and faster. All I could feel was a mixture of anger and complete sadness. In this moment I forgot everything and everyone that had ever been close to me and that cared about me. I was left alone to be persuaded by my inner demons.   
I cut once, not deep enough. Twice, not deep enough. Three times, not deep enough. I knew for a fact that it would never be deep enough and yet I kept going. I tried to be satisfied. Everything around me turned black and I could only hear humming in my ears. Nothing mattered to me in this moment. In this moment I was actually somewhat free. Playing on the boundary between life and death was what freedom meant to me. Freedom was in my hands and was turning my skin red. My world suddenly changed and I was, in fact, free. My heart felt like it was allowed to do what it wished and my mind felt as if I had no worries. I felt alive as well as I felt dead. I found myself crying on the kitchen floor, my wrists covered in blood.  
“Is this what you want?” I asked no one, yet everyone in a squeaky voice, “Is this what you want? Here. HERE!”  
I closed my eyes and cried. I just cried and cried and cried. I didn’t quite know what I was crying about after a while, but I still cried. The cool floor was the only thing reminding me that I was still alive and I was still dead inside.  
After a while of sitting on the floor I sat up and stared at the wall in front of me. I didn’t think about anything because of how numb I felt. After a while I decided I should take a shower to wash off all the blood. Carter would be home in a bit. So I took a shower and changed into my pajamas. I made sure I wore a long sleeved shirt that wouldn’t come up and reveal my secret. Once I was sure I was good, I walked downstairs, turned on the t.v., and wrapped myself in a blanket. I couldn’t stop touching my arms to feel the scars I had made. I wasn’t sure how to feel about them, but I still couldn’t stop touching them.  
I fell asleep after a while and dreamt that I was sitting on a really high mountain. I was watching the night stars slowly get brighter and then get darker. My heart thumping was the only sound I could hear: Thump… Thump… Thump… Thump… Suddenly, a brick wall started coming up from the ground and circled its way around me. I didn’t move at all. I just watched as it enclosed itself above me and left me in total darkness. Then I felt something hit my back lightly and keep pushing. Something pushed my sides and then pushed from the front until my knees were hitting my chin. I didn’t care, though. I didn’t move or scream or try to find light.   
The things pushing on me finally stopped and left me in a cramped position. It was still pitch black and completely silent except my heart. Suddenly a bright white light turned on and for some reason came from the ground and lit every corner of the place I was in. The walls, I soon found out, were just white foam mats.   
As I sat there in the deathly silence, I thought about my situation and why I was in it. My thoughts were jumbled together so I just gave up. It seemed like I had been sitting there for hours and I soon began to feel somewhat worried. What if I never got out of here? Was I supposed to spend every hour of every day in here scrunched up like a ball with my own thoughts to occupy myself? I don’t think I could live.  
I heard a voice from nowhere that broke the line of silence. It wasn’t a voice that I knew per say. It technically wasn’t even a voice. It was just screaming and screaming and screaming relentlessly. It seemed to be moving closer and closer until it was right outside the brick wall. I moved uncomfortably and tried to inch my way away from it, but I didn’t go anywhere.   
The screaming got louder and louder until it filled every corner and crevasse in my ears. Suddenly the whole brick wall seemed to shatter and break apart under the screams and a white light flashed as my body became free of the wall. Right when I saw the outline of the thing that was screaming, I woke up.  
“WHAT?” I heard my Mom from the kitchen screaming on the phone.  
“Where are the keys?” My Dad yelled frantically. I could hear his footsteps and he was running.  
“Tell me now!” My Mom yelled again over the phone. I sat up at the sound of her frightened voice.  
“Mom?” I asked as I got off of the couch. I walked into the kitchen and my Mom was off the phone by now and she was grabbing her purse and coat. I saw tears in her eyes and I could hear her sobbing. Her heavy breathing frightened me because of the way she is always calm. I quickly left the room to go find Dad and I found him in the living room.  
“Dad,” I asked, my heart beating faster than normal, “What’s going on?”  
My Dad looked at me and stopped what he was doing. He just looked at me with frantic eyes and time seemed to stop. I stared back at his eyes and I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes.  
“What’s wrong?” I asked him again.  
“Beth, go get in the car.” He said quietly as he walked out of the living room and through the door.  
I just stood there for a minute trying to gather my thoughts. I watched as Mom ran past the living room and through the front door. She left it open, I guessed for me. I ran to the door, but I seemed to be running in slow motion. Everything that I passed on my way out, I saw and I carefully copied and pasted it in my mind. I had done this many times before in my life, but for some reason all those pictures of the family, all those stupid Christmas cards we got from people, all those board games stored in the drawers seemed to scratch a permanent mark on my brain. It seemed for some reason that this was the last time I was ever going to look at them the same way again.  
When I made it into the car, Dad immediately began driving. Dad, one of the most serene people I know, was frantic and unorganized in his thoughts. I could tell by the way his eyebrows curled up in confusion and the way his light brown eyes lost all the humor and sparkle they had that morning. Mom was in a different world. She wouldn’t take her eyes off the clock in the car. She was slightly rocking back and forth in her seat and I could see tears rolling down her cheeks. The two of them were holding hands so tightly I could see both of their knuckles turning white. I noticed this because if you know anything about my parents, it’s that they don’t hold hands. I could tell they were both shaking because the loose ring on my Mom’s left hand fell down from its spot in the middle of her finger.  
This left me to be completely perplexed and terrified. I could barely breathe. I looked over to the seat on my right and realized Carter hadn’t come with us and I didn’t see him at home. My heart immediately dropped and I had to sit back in my seat to keep myself from fainting. I just stared at the seat and let my heart break into a billion pieces and break those pieces into a billion pieces.   
“I-Is it,” I tried to say to Mom and Dad, but not quiet able to say the words, “Wh-Who?”  
No one answered or looked back at me as we pulled into the hospital parking lot. Dad and Mom jumped out of the car right when Dad stopped it and they both ran into the hospital leaving me in the car. I sat there for a minute, my mind spinning and my heart giving out. I grabbed the handle and jumped out of the car. I almost collapsed on the ground, but I recovered somewhat and ran as fast as I could into the hospital.   
When I shoved the doors open, I looked at the surroundings. The people looked like death, the nurses and doctors looked frantic and tired, and I probably looked like a crazed lunatic. I didn’t care. I ran to the front desk and the lady working it gave me a scared sort of look when she saw me.  
“WHERE IS MY BROTHER?” I yelled at her and made her jump a little.  
“Ma’am, I need to know his name and you have to sign in to see him. You’re goi-“  
“Carter. Carter Aaron. What room?” I asked in a low threatening voice.  
“Room 208, but Ma’am, you have to sign in a-“  
I ran around her desk and through the hallway behind her, ignoring her desperate pleas for me to come back. I wasn’t quite sure where I was going, but the room numbers seemed to be going up and up so I kept running down the hall. 201, 202, 203, 204, 205… I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I was numb to the world and it felt like a complete dream. 206, 207, 208. I stopped right in front of the door and just stared at it. I then grabbed the door handle and slowly turned it. When I walked in I could hear my Mom crying loudly. My Dad was sitting next to her and rubbing her back. They were holding hands still. Next to Dad and Mom, Ashton just stood there looking forward with no emotion. Ashton’s Mom, Anne Marie, stood there with him and was holding onto his arm. Luke, Calum, and Michael were in the corner just watching my Mom cry with worried expressions on their faces.   
The room we were in was somewhat large with a t.v. on the wall behind us for the patients. There were two hospital beds in the room, one of them vacant, the other…  
“Carter?” I whispered as I saw him on the bed. His eyes were closed and he didn’t seem to be awake. Ashton looked back at me when I said this and came over to me. He grabbed my hand and helped me over to Carter’s bedside.   
He looked completely lifeless with his pale skin and hospital tubes all over his body. Every time the heart monitor would beep I would flinch and Ashton would tighten his grip on my hand. I slowly reached out to touch Carter’s hand and when I did, my knees started to shake and I fell to the ground. I started to cry and hyperventilate. I tried to fight it so I could hold Carter’s cold hand again, but it wasn’t going away. I rocked back and forth on my knees and just let all of my emotions out.  
I felt a hand on my back and then I saw Ashton’s face level with mine. He put both of his hands on my shoulders and slightly shook me. He grabbed my face next and made me look at him. I tried to fight him, but I ended up looking at him.  
“Beth, look at me,” He said still holding my face, “You have to get ahold of yourself, okay. Just calm down for a minute.” I heard him, but nothing about my emotions changed.  
“Beth,” He continued, “For him, Beth. Stop crying for a minute and talk to him before it’s too late. You need to say what you want to say to him before he can’t hear you anymore, okay? Okay? I’m gonna be right beside you, I promise.” He quickly helped me up and I leaned on him for support. I looked at Carter again and calmed my breathing.  
“C-Carter?” I whispered and put my hands up to my mouth to muffle a sob, “Wake up, Carter.”  
Anne Marie walked over right beside me and put her hand on Ashton’s arm. He looked over at her with a worried expression.  
“Ashton,” She said quietly trying not to disturb my parents or me, “The doctors told me that Jordan just woke up, but they’re afraid he might fall asleep again. They told me he might slip into a coma and we should say our goodbyes,” Ashton tensed when she said this. He looked down at me and back up at his Mom.  
“Mum, I can’t leave right now,” He sort of whispered in her ear, “Beth.”  
I looked up at him, squeezed his hand, and then let go.   
“Ash, you need to go.” I whispered through sniffles. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but I saw the sadness flash in Ashton’s eyes and I just knew he needed to go.   
“I told you I would stay here.” He said to me as his Mom walked out of the room.  
“You did, but now you need to go.”  
“A-are you sure?”  
“Yes.” I tried not to talk so loud because I was afraid I would break down again and Ashton didn’t need that. Carter didn’t need that. As Ashton walked through the door, Michael and Calum followed him. Luke continued to sit in the corner with his head down. I turned back to Carter.  
“Dad,” I asked, “Why isn’t he waking up? The heart monitor is still going and he’s breathing, I can literally hear him breathing, Dad,” I could feel my tears coming back and my heart started to race, “I need to know what happened, Dad, I deserve a god damn answer! Why won’t you talk to me?”  
“Beth, calm down.” Dad said standing up to walk over to me.  
“How can I calm down when Carter is dying for a reason that I don’t even know? I deserve to know why my best friend is dying right in front of me!” Without thinking, I pushed Dad away from me and pushed myself up against the wall. I started crying again and I used both my arms to cover my face up.  
“We can talk about it later, Beth. Not now… Not now…” Dad grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug. I stayed in his arms for a long time and decided I would wait until either my tears ran out or I died of old age.  
I don’t remember much else about that night. Dad and Mom decided they would both stay all night to watch Carter or something. I ended up falling asleep on the second bed they had in the room. Ashton, Calum, and Michael never came back into the room in which surprised me. Luke ended up falling asleep in the chair with his feet up and his head on the armrest. It looked uncomfortable, but I don’t think he cared at all.   
That night I didn’t dream. In fact, it was difficult for me to even fall asleep. My thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone. I wanted to know why Carter was here and why he was on the verge of death. What if he was in a coma like that Jordan kid? Many people would be relieved to hear that. I know my parents would, but I couldn’t help but think how selfish that would be. Why would you be relieved to hear that your child is trapped in complete darkness? He can’t move, he can’t respond to anything, and he can’t see the light. It’s a prison that people mistake for a lifesaver. I kept thinking and thinking and thinking until I must have finally fell asleep or fell into a thought so deep I mistook for sleep. Whatever it was, I was glad to finally be somewhat away from reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a depressing chapter... Sorry for that! Goodness. I didn't even notice! Anyway, thank you for reading and such! I appreciate it! Oh, also I should mention that updates are probably going to take a little longer because of school and all that kind of crap! Screw school, I'm becoming a hobo. Just kidding, I'm pretty grateful for my education I guess...

**Author's Note:**

> Tanks so much for reading ;D


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